Will We Ever Be Again?
by Smego Baggins
Summary: Sometimes when you get everything you ever wanted, the universe takes just enough of it to destroy you. Call it fate, call it balance, nothing will be the same... 9thRose
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Will We Ever Be Again

**Author**: Smego Baggins

**Category**: Drama/Angst/Romance (mild)

**Pairings**: Rose/Doctor

**Rating**: K, but I'm putting it under T for later chapters: character death, mild swearing, ummmm …. Depression, crappy feelings… yeah, not a happy fic.

**Status**: Incomplete (updating when I finish the chapters)

**Sequel**: Depends, one is in the works, but might not complete it, just the reviewers decide.

**Email**: Sometimes, no matter what, it's impossible to save something that is dying from the moment it's born. And everything will change, whether it's horrendous or makes you stronger.

**Disclaimer**: This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.

**Archive**: Whatever, just let me know it's gonna be.

**Author's** **Note**: Ok, first off, it's not going to be a happy little fic. I'm sure you people love killing off your favourite or torturing them mentally. Me? I just like giving them real life situations and letting it run from there.

The actual inspiration for came from **Avelynn Tame's** 'Piece of Plastic' and I ran with an idea of turning it around. Though I haven't put a scene like that in this. If any of its out of character I simply apologise and will fix whatever is wrong. I'm just spreading my wings into the Doctors territory, hope he doesn't mind.

**Dedication**: For a person who I have long since lost contact with. Mrs Vich, if it wasn't for you, I would never know how to read, write and express my inner desires. You simply refused to give up when you were told I was a hopeless case. And if I EVER published anything, I'll find you and give you the first edition. So I dedicate this with love and a braver face for knowing I can write my own name because of you.

Will We Ever Be Again

Chapter 1

The room was quiet and the only sounds that could be heard was the soft humming of the inner workings of the TARDIS as it waited for further instructions from the Doctor. It was quite unusual for Rose to awake for no reason at all, however she felt confused and slightly warm.

Glancing at her wrist-watch, she discovered that it was only 3 in the morning, shifting around to find a cool spot in the sheets, she moved away from the Doctors sleeping form. Although he was cool to the touch, he wasn't the right 'coolness' she needed.

Feeling wide awake she couldn't help but let her mind wonder back to the time it had started. It was after the incident with her father and the reapers. She'd felt as if she had betrayed the Doctors trust towards her, that maybe she should go home and let the Doctor find himself someone who was capable of not screwing up time for their own benefits.

He had found her crying quietly on her bed, her comforter soaking the salty liquid of her eyes, her mascara running and making the small toy damp. Knowing words simply weren't going to help at this moment he simply sat there besides her, holding her and rocking them both gently. When he was sure she was slightly better, he began saying that he never should have listened to her simple request, saying he should have known better, not to let her see something like that happen to people she really cared for.

He then began to murmur that he was also afraid for her when the reapers had attacked, that he would have done anything to bring her father back just to make her happy … and that he loved her.

The rest was lost to her as they had begun to comfort each others fears with assurances of kisses and stroking, hands through hair and breathless promises.

Next morning Rose had awoken to find the Doctor staring at her in a far off gaze. She saw no hint of regret, but endless guilt on his lax features. Thinking he was having second thoughts, she had risen and was about to head for the kitchen when he had wrapped his arms around her and whispered that he _did_ love her and that he wasn't going to turn domestic, no matter what she said.

She shook herself from her memories and stretched gently, rubbing her rounded stomach. She was near full term and had followed everything down to the letter, well, the Doctor had anyway. From the moment the pregnancy had been confirmed by both a home-pregnancy kit and a blood test, he had become more 'full of it' that on more than one occasion she'd threatened to make the TARDIS take her to a place that was deserted and leave him there just so she could get a moment of peace. He had insisted that she eat everything the universe, including past and present, could offer for the health of mother and child. She quickly drew the line when she was almost forced to eat some puffy orange and blue thing that was still wriggling in her soup. His enthusiasm not even remotely crushed, he went back to simply making her eat normal healthy food that came from earth and only earth.

Speaking of food she hadn't eaten last night and Rose knew she had worried him by refusing anything the Doctor offered to have made up for her. After insisting that she was only tired, and would eat in the morning, they had gone to bed, the Doctor wrapping his arms around her growing stomach.

Feeling exhausted but completely awake she listened to the sound of the TARDIS hum around her, trying to lull herself into a light sleep again. Almost in a doze she was jerked awake by an uncommonly sharp pain rippling down her stomach.

When it ended she breathed deeply and bit her bottom lip, uncertain of what to do. Looking over at her sleeping Doctor, Rose debated about whether to wake him and let him fuss over something that would take ages. A week early was nothing to be worried over, and Rose was almost positive that this was a false alarm. Besides, if was the early stages of labour, she knew it would take a long time to actually giving birth. There was no need to wake him from his rare deep-sleep and have him all worried and constant pacing. Usually the Doctor was never easily worked up over anything, but lately as she had grown bigger he'd grown more anxious and on-edge than normal, he was unpredictable.

Three hours later Rose was almost convinced that she was in the earlier stages of labour. Not having anything to compare it to, though, made it hard for her to be 100 certain. Knowing that they were getting worst by the few minutes between them, she rolled over onto her side, away from the Doctor, and tried to curl herself around the football that had decided to grow where her flat stomach usually was.

Feeling the warmth leave his back, the Doctor woke and felt that something was happening. Noticing Rose curled into a tight ball as she could manage, he placed a cool hand on her bare shoulder, her nightie strap on her upper arm. "Rose?" he asked, concerned. "What's wrong? You ok?"

She shook her head. Her breathing short and sharp as another contraction hit. A few minutes passed, in which he rubbed her arm comfortingly.

"What is it?" he whispered quietly.

She looked at him and shakily smiled. "I'm pretty sure that I'm in labour."

A look of disbelief crossed the Doctors features before he broke in a huge grin. "Fantastic!"

Rose didn't know what was fantastic about it but was then reminded by another contraction hitting. She doubled over and breathed deeply, she looked up to find the Doctor on her mobile.

"_Rose_?" she heard her mothers voice on the other end. Taking the phone from the Doctor she breathed again, trying to calm the pain and from crying out. "Mum, it's me. Look, I think I'm in labour; call the hospital and tell them we'll be there in a few ticks, yeah?"

It brought on another memory of when the Doctor and Rose had visited when she was 5 months, she didn't even have to bother with telling her mother, as she noticed the look on her daughters face and the bump that had begun to appear where her mid-section was. She showed no anger or even told the Doctor off for knocking up her little baby girl, instead she flung herself at Rose and the Doctor and started going on about buying this and that and that it would _have_ to be born on earth and not some place that would require her having to own a spaceship.

Despite the fact that she'd found out her only daughter was pregnant to an alien who was the last of his race, she was quite excited about becoming a grandmother, and even said she didn't care about how many limbs it had as long as she could spoil it rotten when they visited.

She heard her mother let out a cry of joy, "_Oh, wait until everybody hears of this! I'm going to be a grandmother!_"

Rolling her eyes, she handed the phone back to the Doctor who repeated the list of what to do before hanging up and helping Rose to her unsteady feet. When travelling in the TARDIS they discovered that it was safer to travel in the main area as it had the most shock absorbers in the whole ship. Even if you did end up on your bum upon landing.

Settling her down comfortably on the ground, the Doctor quickly went to the controls, but couldn't resist teasing her.

"You know, your going to have to put up with your mother," he said half-heartedly. "So, what would you rather? Future or …."

Crying out in pain from a closer contraction, Rose yelled, "OWN time! Own time!"

Grinning, he punched in the right numbers, spun the little wheel and pumped the TARDIS for the trip. "2006," he announced, "here we come!"

**88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888**

Next chapter should be up in the next few days. And if anyone can figure out a better title, tell me please.

Please review and enjoy!

Smego Baggins


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**: Ok, I've learnt my lesson of leaving an open document around a cranky sister who thinks it's a good idea by extracting revenge by changing certain words and sentences and not poof reading before uploading. Sorry for the minor malfunction.

**Dedication**: For the people lost to us in the London attacks, though your bodies may be gone, you are still with us in spirit.

And for my beautiful 2nd cousin, Jaiden. You're 10 months on the 30th of July, may you be the most happiest baby in the world, although you already are. Love your 2nd cousin Catherine.

Chapter 2

Landing the TARDIS in a location that was both close to the main entrance of the hospital and in a well hidden spot wasn't easy to say the least, but somehow the old girl managed it with amazing accuracy, it was almost as if she sensed the situation. Helping Rose out of the machine, with an overnight bag over his shoulder and guiding her to the main entrance doors, the Doctor found that a friend of the family, who also happened to be a midwife, was waiting for them. She turned around and a shocked look came to her face.

Rose smiled at the look. "Hey, Tracy, how have you been?"

"Well," Tracy replied, over the shock. "Your mum said you'd be here soon, but I don't think she meant seconds!"

"Oh, you know," Rose shrugged, "fast transport and all."

The Doctor simply rolled his eyes, and tried to help her into a spare wheelchair, but she waved him off saying it helped ease the pains. She stood still for a moment, eyes closed, brow furrowed as she breathed through another contraction.

Sure that it was past, Tracy helped guide the two of them to Rose's given room. "You're booked into room 9-"

Both the Doctor and Rose snorted.

"What?" Tracy asked in confusion, almost pausing.

Rose merely shook her head. "Never mind, in-joke."

With that the Doctor, who was keeping Rose steady by holding her elbows, slung the bag more securely onto his shoulder, and muttered to himself about giggling females and he was becoming his worst fear. Domestic.

Smacking his arm and saying he was doing no such thing, Rose and the Doctor continued to the room, which was currently free of any other another expectant mothers. As they headed in, none other than Shireen came hurriedly down the hall.

"You called them?" Rose asked, looking both shocked and scandalized. "I only wanted my mum and him with me!"

"Well I thought they should know!" Tracy replied huffily. And walked into the room, and busied herself with setting up the different monitors that would be needed throughout the birth, including baby clothes, towels and other essentials.

"You called Mickey too!" Rose almost shrieked, looking at Tracy as if she wanted to throttle her into unconscious.

"Don't worry about it, luv," Tracy assured. "He said he didn't want to come until the baby was born." This didn't discourage the dirty look Rose still threw her friend and midwife.

By the time that Shireen had given her a huge bear hug, commented on her taste on men ('why do you always get the ones I don't have a chance at?') and assured Rose that she hadn't brought anyone along, the Doctor saw Jackie heading towards them. She was beaming as only an expectant grandmother could be; she went up to the Doctor and full on hugged him. Taken aback and stiff as a board, he was unsure of what to do next, except pat Jackie awkwardly on her back.

Tracy came out of the room and ushered only the Doctor and Rose into the room, saying that the rest of the family and friends could come in after Rose had been settled. After helping Rose into one of the gowns and a pair of bright pink boxers, she slipped into the comfy hospital bed while Tracy set it into a sitting position, when that was done she began to begin the standard examination of general health of Rose and then hooking her up to a monitor that tracked her contractions.

"Shall we breach the wall?" the Doctor asked, his hand on the doors handle.

"That or they'll start breaking it down themselves." Rose nodded.

The doors were opened and the company leaning on the door literally fell through.

Five hours had passed.

Five hours in which nothing but contractions and frustrated mumblings could be heard from both parties; parents, that is. And although Tracy knew that that her friend was enjoying talking over _everything_ about her and her 'boyfriend' (well, she assumed so, but the little glances that Jackie kept sending towards the tall man left to be desired), and their travels around the world, she noticed that Rose was becoming fidgety.

"Rose, do you want to walk down the hallway for a bit?" Tracy asked, while checking the monitors

"Oh, god, yes!" Rose gasped out, almost ready to try and escape to the TARDIS to just escape from all the people around.

The Doctor, who was now going by the name 'Chris' to prevent confusion, looked at both women as if they were completely bonkers about even suggesting that a woman in labour should walk.

"Wouldn't that be asking for trouble?" he asked, "you know, she might just drop it on the floor?1st"

Tracy rolled her eyes. "It's perfectly safe, Chris, as long as someone is there to help her with balance."

"I'll take her," Jackie instantly said, but the look on Roses face radiated differently. Not even taking the hint that she'd rather the Doctor, Jackie helped Rose with a pair of slippers and waited while Tracey disconnected the monitors, and helping with the drip's stand.

"You sure you don't want me to take her instead?" the Doctor prodded, and made to take Roses arm and drip pole.

"I've given birth before, Chris, I think I am capable of looking after my own daughter." Jackie replied firmly.

"Doc – Chris, just go get something to eat, yeah?" Rose quickly suggested, trying to prevent a confrontation.

Nodding reluctantly, he kissed her before heading down the corridor towards the huge cafeteria where crappy food was being served. While he was gone, her mother helped her out of the bed and again in a pair of sweatpants.

"Can't I put my boxers on instead?" Rose moaned slightly. "It's too hot to wear these things."

"You will not be wearing those things while here, young lady." Her mother abolished.

"I can and will!" Rose replied defiantly of her mother and shoved on her hot pink boxers (the same colour as her room) and stood, daring her mother to take them from her.

"Fine!" her mother huffed. With no further argument, they slowly walked up and down the corridors, pausing when a contraction hit, whether it was a long and painful, or short, Rose found it easier to have the pains while walking rather than laying in a sitting position.

An hour later the Doctor came back, looking worn but satisfied and had brought a magazine of crossword puzzles, on the cover spaceships and little green friendly aliens decorated the mushy cardboard. Rose got the joke immediately.

They both spent the next two hours filling out the book, arguing over what words would fit in the puzzle boxes and if a word didn't fit it wasn't allowed to be changed into another language just so it could. A few times Rose had slapped the Doctors arm and told him to behave himself when thinking up words that made her laugh and then cry out as another contraction hit. Laughter and contractions didn't mix. After that Rose had given up on the book when the Doctor had filled it with eight minutes to every puzzle.

Rose had been in labour for twelve long hours and little progress had been made. She was becoming frustrated with the length of the birth and felt that nothing significant was happening. She retained from swearing loudly from each contraction that came, harder and longer and seeming to neither dilate her nor break her waters. Though she cursed tersely and without disturbing other mothers, Shireen didn't know she had such a colourful language, her mother looked shocked and the Doctor kept apologising to the baby for 'your mummy's potty mouth'.

Though they all meant well, Tracy was sure that Rose was about to snap at all the people that were surrounding her with offers of wiping her forehead and offering her ice to quench her thirst. Her family, Shireen and Chris were fussing needlessly with wiping her forehead and patting her hand and telling here things that weren't helpful in the least. The Doctors arm was becoming bruised in little half-moon grooves that were from whenever a tight contraction had come on without warning, even with the fetal monitor, and had squeezed his arm as a outlet, Roses fingernail digging deep and hard.

The Doctor was now sitting on the bed, behind Rose, as she was now using him as a support against her aching back, breathing deeply from the contraction that had passed.

"It's so bloody hot in here," she moaned tiredly, stretching against him and whimpering in pain as the baby shifted within.

Grabbing a spare hair tie from the bedside table, the Doctor pulled her hair into a rather neat pony-tail, then lifted the damp hair and put a moist towel on the back of her neck and back, pulling it away and blowing gently along her back to cool her heated skin.

"Better?" he asked.

"Hmmmm, much," she hummed softly, then twisted his leather jacket (which he'd given to her to abuse to her hearts content, rather than his arm) as another contraction rippled. "God, the only thing that could relax me now is music."

"Sorry, luv," Tracy apologised, "we don't carry CD players."

Rose screamed from an impossibly strong contraction, thus causing the Doctor to leap into a very loud remake of 'I'm a little teapot', he looked pointedly at everyone who quickly joined in, except Jackie and Tracy. So it was only he, Shireen and a gasping Rose. Later they begun to sing old classics, doing 'Get Back' from The Beatles as Rose had loved going back and watching them perform the song on rooftop.

The only time she had complained was when Shireen had begun to sing 'Kiss Kiss' by Holly Valance, but Rose had thrown her a scathing look and screamed out firmly. "NO POP! I HATE IT!"

Tracy thought they were completely mad as they begun to sing Robbie Williams 'Rock DJ'.

Jackie agreed, but Tracy didn't take it completely true as she was gently bopping with the voices.

Four hours later and nothing had happened. Rose had only dilated four centimetres, and she was now asking Tracy to up the morphine until she was on a happy cloud. Tracy's reply was blunt and refused. She was already being given the amount that her body could take without harming both her and the baby, as it was already to the maximum, Rose then said that she wanted an epidural, but again was refused as the morphine had to wear off and that would take at _least_ another few hours.

With that Rose burst into tears, and moaned that the first birth was meant to be an easy one. Chris replied that nothing was easy in the whole scheme of things and received a hard elbow to the ribs and a reply that she 'didn't need his cosmic bull-crap at this point in time.'

Unnerved by this, Shireen had walked out and was gently calming herself outside the room, Tracy joining her outside, making sure she was fine.

"Are most births like this?" she asked shakily.

"No, Roses just taking a little while longer is all," Tracy explained. "Must be all the travelling she does with that man."

They noticed that the room had gone quiet, and suddenly the Doctor came out in a panic and dragged Tracy into the room.

Jackie came out so Shireen was informed.

"Roses water just broke."

Three hours, and again, nothing except dilating another four centimetres, apparently it wasn't the right measurement that Rose wanted to hear.

"Hurry up and get the hell out of me!" she had practically yelled at her stomach. "I don't want to be here for the rest of my life!"

With that Tracy had unhooked all the monitors, including the drip, again and told Rose to try walking to ease herself. Grateful for the suggestion Rose had immediately got off the bed, but the Doctor had to keep her from falling due to a dizzy spell. Saying she was fine and that nothing was wrong, she had taken his arm and he helped guide her down the hall.

He mother and Shireen had gone to the cafeteria to also grab something for dinner, as it was now ten at night, thankfully the place didn't close till eleven that night.

"Right," the Doctor said, making sure everything was fine, "let's roll."

Something had gone terribly wrong.

Having taken Rose for a walk down the corridor again, since nothing was working and the epidural wasn't due for another fifteen minutes, she had said she felt funny and needed to stop, seconds later she had suddenly leaned heavily against the Doctor to ease the sudden pain within her own body.

Thinking that it was only another strong contraction, the Doctor had only firmly rubbed her lower back, but something just wasn't sitting right as Rose started crying heavily, saying it wasn't a contraction but worse, and kneeled to the soft blue carpeted floor holding herself. Knowing that this was defiantly not meant to happen the Doctor then swiftly picked her now shaking form up and carried her to the room, all the time yelling at anyone for help.

Hooking her up immediately back to the monitors quicker than what the Doctor had seen humans move, it was discovered that both Rose and the baby were in serious distress. He moved out of the way, towards Roses head and she grasped his cool hand. Rose was crying and whatever was happening was becoming worse as the seconds progressed.

While the baby's heart-rate was increasing, Roses was slowing, seeing this Tracy pushed a blue button and the calm in the ward was suddenly alive with on-call doctors and other professionals in the area of child-care.

Roses own baby doctor, Dr Rosenberg, who was on the ward at this time, felt firmly on Roses stomach, and alarmingly turned to Tracy. "Why isn't it written this is a breech birth?"

"What?" Tracy asked. "They only came back from Scandinavia, there were _no_ notes to say."

"Who would let you travel by plane?" Dr Rosenberg asked looking at the couple with a look of shock.

"We travelled by boat." The Doctor replied.

Rose looked at the Doctor and smiled unsure of what else to do, then her hand went slack and the monitors in the room went insane.

**AN**: Ohhhh, I'm so evil, aren't I?

1st My uncle actually asked this when my mum was giving birth to my brother William, who is now 10.

Next chapter will be later, because I crappy work and a 'holiday party' to attend to, though I expect to hear nothing but bitching and moaning about life. God I hate whingers who hate themselves. And no, I don't mean people who are depressed.

Read and _please_ review.

Smego Baggins


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**: Right, I've had e-mails begging me, people saying they'd threaten to cry and my own mother saying that I have no maternal instincts. She's a liar; I loved my rat, Marco! That's another story.

This chap really doesn't give anything away, but yeah, needed to write something. Hope you guys like. It's now taking me half a day to write chapters now All reviewers are impressed. Yes, I am full of it.

**Dedication**: For all friends that have come into my life and have enriched my horizons of sci-fi. Thankyou Adele for Stargate, Louis for Quantum Leap (sill love the JFK episode,) and Greg for the Star Wars.

Chapter 3

They had flatten the bed so that it was straight as a board and started getting needles and other instruments out, Dr Rosenberg injected something into Roses' veins and within minutes her vitals were more steady than they had been a few seconds ago. Minutes after that she regained conscious and asked what had happened.

While she breathing easily, they had Rose on 100 oxygen to prevent any unknown complications from arising. She was now stable and so was the baby; its heart rate had slowed down, though only just. Seeming that the birth was a breech Dr Rosenberg advised that an ultrasound and full blood works be completed before they moved to surgery for a caesarean.

Within half an hour all was ready for the arrival of the first baby of Rose and Chris. Roses' collapse had been put down to a slight infection that she'd had but not taken notice to, and it was only made worse by the labour depleting her of strength and energy.

All was well so far.

The ultrasound revealed nothing sinister, though the baby had a heart murmur; however, the Doctors' sharp eyes seen two hearts, so no health problems except for the rising heart rate again. When done they wheeled Rose into the surgery room and got the Doctor to change into green scrubs along with his own clothes, his jacket left back in the room.

Rose took one look at him and started laughing hysterically. Telling her that now was not the time to actually laugh, as the nurse had just injected her with local and the surgeon was waiting to open her only made her laugh harder.

It took a few minutes for her to calm herself enough so that the doctor could begin. It was a strange feeling, she could feel him cutting into her abdomen but it didn't hurt in the slightest. She felt them working around and the sound of the Doctors' breathing, hitching whenever they pulled at something that looked like it would hurt but thanks to the drugs, did no such thing. She felt his normally cool hand, slightly warm and squeezed when his breath hitched, grasping her own gently.

"Got ya," the surgeon murmured, carefully slicing the wombs musclier structure, after all that what it really was. He nodded to an awaiting nurse and a team nearby with an incubator and other objects in case anything was wrong.

With that he pulled out a baby that was backwards and smothered in muck from developing in a womb for the past nine months.

Rose turned to the Doctor. "Girl or boy?"

He craned his neck for a few seconds, trying to catch a glimpse of his child's sex, finally seeing what it was he grinned.

"Boy." He replied huskily.

Rose nodded, happy that it was over. Only something was wrong. Her little boy wasn't crying, why wasn't he crying? All newborns cried from the shock of the cold and were placed on their mother's stomach, to warm them up and commence the bonding that mother and child needed.

Noticing this also, the Doctor squeezed Roses' hand before trying to stand to see what was happening. Before his backside left the seat, the surgeon was now doing Rose back up and making sure that Roses' IV was having painkillers placed into the machine part of the drip.

Another surgeon, his face obscured by the mask, but his eyes a deep green, leaned around to the now worried couple. "Every things fine, but we're going to have to take your baby down to the neonatal unit. You can see him in a few hours."

Without further explanation they wheeled the new baby boy away and Rose back to recovery. Saying the Doctor was pissed was an understatement. Telling Rose he'd be back he walked down to the said unit, but I was locked by security clearance. Rolling his eyes at the apes attempt to keep him from his newborn son; he took out the sonic screwdriver and ran it over the codes.

"Excuse me?" Came a quiet Australian accented voice. "But are you meant to be here?"

Startled, he quickly disappeared the sonic screwdriver with a flick of his fast moving fingers. "Um … my son was brought here a few minutes ago; they didn't say anything just said he was here."

The tiny brown haired nurse blinked a few times, then nodded. "Was he born prematurely?"

"No, breech, caesarean." The Doctor replied uncomfortably. "Mothers name is Rose Tyler."

"Oh, yes," the nurse produced a clipboard that the Doctor didn't notice. "He was brought in a few minutes ago with breathing complications and a heart murmur."

"Not a murmur," the Doctor muttered so quietly that she didn't hear. He looked at her tag and found her name was Linda. "Can I see him?"

Linda shook her head in apology. "He's still with the team and being treated, but I will send down his head nurse and the Doctor in charge. If no one comes with in fifteen, have them call 3452 and a lady called Burney will straighten everything out."

Knowing that she meant what she was saying and not just brushing him aside, headed back to the ward where Rose was being held and walked in.

Seconds a young doctor and a nurse whose nametag read 'Julie' came around and seated themselves within the room.

"We're sorry about the sudden wheeling away of your baby." The young doctor, Dr Neilson, began by way of introduction. "But it was necessary as he had to be coaxed to breath on his own."

"There's been a few complications," Julie explained quietly, "while he's alive, he was presented with the birth cored wrapped around his neck three times, we cleared that quickly but had to resuscitate him when he failed to breath on his own, we again had to preform this a second time while we took him down to his ward."

"He is alive?" Rose spoke quietly, wiping her tears of uncertainty from her eyes. "I mean, he's not brain-dead or anything is he?"

"No," Dr Neilson replied instantly, "however his is in critical condition and the first twenty-four hours are the tell tale times."

"But you just said he was being kept alive by a machine," the Doctor stated, feeling these two were hiding something.

"He's not on life-support, just a ventilator." Julie assured. "It's helping him breath, when he's able to, we'll disconnect it for a few minutes, let him breath on his own, then place him back on it."

"We know this is a hard time for you both," Dr Neilson sighed, "but if anything does happen, did you name him?"

The Doctor, who was sitting on the bed next to Rose, his wrinkled leather jacket back on, blinked a few times, and looked at Rose.

"Dylan," Rose breathed heavily, "we're naming him Dylan."

**0-0-0**

It was four hours later that they went to see Dylan, as he was now known. Rose had no idea where the name had come from, or why she liked the sound of it.

"It sounds sporty," she concluded finally as the Doctor pushed her wheelchair, after he point blank told her that she wasn't walking because it was too far to go after having her stomach cut open. "Like he could one day be a soccer player."

"I didn't think you liked sport?" he questioned.

"Well, it sounds like a name that could take you places." She firmly said, making the Doctor chuckle in thought.

They were admitted by Julie, Dylan's head nurse, and guided towards the incubator that held their little baby. The little certificate gave details that the Doctor memorized in one sitting.

Name: Dylan Thomas Smith ('Not sure I could say your last name, let alone have them spell it' Rose had said.)

Birth Weight: 2.250kg

Condition: Cardiac Murmur, resuscitation occurred twice, critical condition.

Looking into the crib, he saw that Dylan was awake and staring at them both with huge saucer eyes, swathed in a white tape, his tiny mouth and flattened infant nose were completely invisible under a breathing tube. His tiny arms were wrapped in gauze to prevent him from pulling at the tubes in his mouth and nose, and were splinted with things that looked suspiciously like tongue depressors. Seeing this made the normally strong alien want to cry and tell them to release his son from this.

For a few moments they both sat there and watched him stare into his own vacant world, like newborn infants so often did. Dylan's tiny left foot moved slightly, though his huge nappy covered most of his tiny legs. It was then that Rose saw how tiny Dylan was for a newborn, almost the size of a premature baby by a full month.

Not taking her eyes from Dylan's almost hidden face, she breathed deeply. "He's not meant to be that tiny, is he Doctor?"

Swallowing down a lump, he blinked a few times before answering. "No, and I don't know why he's this little."

Julie opened one of the little doors to the incubator, and Rose gently slid her hand in and took one of Dylan's small hands, his own not even wrapping around the whole of her little finger.

She promised herself that she wouldn't cry when seeing him, knowing he was in the best of care that the hospital could offer, if they had to pay for any treatment it meant nothing as the Doctor could go from homeless bum to being richer than Donald Trump. Only seeing this little being that was clinging to life nearly broke her. It was a more horrible feeling that knowing your world would end in five billion years.

"I don't get it," she whispered quietly. "We did everything right."

**0-0-0**

Over the next few days Dylan did as well as could be expected. His eyes, brown with just a hint of blue, were open and blinking, taking in what his limited vision could take in. He could kick, gasp and breathe, at least for a small portion, on his own.

Dylan was baffling the doctors' as to why he was so gravely ill, he had no reason to not be breathing on his own. Countless tests and x-rays were now showing he had two hearts, normal for Gallifreyan physiology, but turning out to be fatal for the newborn.

The Doctor now understood what had happened. While it was possible for him to have children with humans, as he himself was part human and had already had a child who was human, this is what _could_ happen. He'd just never seen it, and he was unable to tell Rose that Dylan might eventually die.

He visited Dylan whenever Rose was sleeping, as they kept her in for close observation and on a strong course of antibiotics, safe enough for her to express for Dylan, and sat quietly with his little boy, he wasn't able to hold him as Dylan was too bound by tubes and wires.

A sudden beeping that shrill to hear broke the doctor from his deep thinking, knowing that those sounds were never good he looked up and inspected every monitor on Dylan. It wasn't him; another baby who was two months premature was flat-lining. Technicians and nurses rushed towards the failing infant and surrounded the incubator began working on the tiny chest. Watching the nurses' work desperately on the other preemie, the Doctors' hearts ached.

Turning his attention back to Dylan, he fascinated himself with watching his sons' chest rise and fall in the same motion as the Doctors' hearts.

The other baby was stabilised and the rush was over as the nurses' returned back to their duties, though two nurses' stayed with the baby in case of a relapse.

"How's he doing today?" Julie asked, coming up behind the Doctor and opening the incubators little treatment windows, as she noticed Chris looking at his son like he wanted to hold him. "Don't worry, he'll stay warm."

Thanking her, he carefully pushed the door open so his huge hand could reach in without knocking anything within the heated box. After hundreds of years of working with technology, he was afraid of breaking his sons' only link with life. He softly stroked the side of Dylans' face, careful of the breathing and feeding tubes and tape keeping them in place. His pinkish skin was soft and warm, and the Doctor could easily trace the veins under his smooth untouched skin.

Dylan kicked his feet again and made a 'hmmm' sound that meant he was content with the soft massage that his daddy was doing, little circles around his chest, feeling the dual heartbeat within his impossibly small chest. Dylan squinted his eyes and gave a huge yawn, smiling slightly the Doctor sat with him until he fell into sleep.

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**AN**:Well, hope you people like it. Kinder of a sweet end and such, next will make you cry. hands tissue and TARDIS plushie with working light to reviewers

Someone asked why I put the singing in the last chapter, well, last year my cousin Lisa (Jaidens' mummy) was having a very slow birth, and I gave her my iPod to listen to, and she started singing to Rock DJ, by Robbie Williams (hottie that he is) and soon the room was singing. We were told to shut up by a passing Doctor who complained, but try telling a mother in labour to shut up and live. !

I read somewhere that the Doctor was part alien 'on his mothers' side' as he put it, but not a hundred percent positive, so if anything is changed, let me know and I'll change it.

Read and _please_ review.

Smego Baggins


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Well, here's the DREADED chapter! Didn't update last night as I had Becsy Lexi go through it. Will update in another 2 days, since I'm working and reading Harry Potter.

**Dedication:** For Alyssa (Becsy Lexi's bub), a constant amusement on MSN.

Chapter 4

A week after Dylans' birth a routine scan found another serious problem with the already frail newborn. A small blood clot was detected along with slight bleeding within the baby's skull. Pressure was building within his tiny head and daily spinal taps could control it, but he'd have to have a tube inserted into his brain to help him live completely. This could only be accomplished by drilling a hole into his skull.

While Rose was all for going with the operation, the Doctor wasn't. He didn't fully understand himself why he didn't want to give Dylan a second chance at living normally. Truth was, to him, living on a ventilator and having your brain fluid having to be constantly removed and without the prospect of ever living independently baffled him as a way of existence.

By this time Dylan was about twelve days old and needing two to three spinal taps each morning and afternoon and requiring twenty-four hour ventilation, his body was beginning to fail his own will.

While it was easy for the Doctor to let his rational side take a stand, it was hard to argue with Roses' motherly instinct. She wanted to know everything before there was no other option. She wanted to find that a slim chance did exist and could be given to Dylan at having a normal life.

Unlike other couples, they didn't argue, they took each others points and considered the results, but it didn't mean that they both had to agree.

Finally they were to meet with Dylans' doctors the next morning to discuss what further treatment Dylan would go through and if it would make a difference in Dylans' life.

**-0-0-**

In a quiet room people gathered to discuss Dylans' life and his best interests. The ones that gathered were his nurses', Julie, Linda and Daniell, his doctor, Dr Neilson, another doctor, Dr Kaner and Rose and the Doctor.

They were discussing whether they were sustaining Dylans' life or prolonging his death. Linda, the small Australian and one of Dylans' nurses', put forward that while treatment was optional maybe they should consider death as an option as well, and that it wasn't heartless to choose it for their son. Dr Neilson, on the other hand was rather adamant that Dylan could be saved and that the only real 'life threatening' part for Dylan was the brain-bleed. That if he could insert a shunt into Dylans' brain the other abnormality, his two hearts, could be taken care of and he could even donate the organ to a baby with heart disease.

One of the doctors, Dr Kaner, argued about the stress on the hearts, that as unique as it was, he was still only tiny and a heart removal transplant was even out of the question as they were certain he'd suffer cardiac arrest with only one. They argued over the surgeries and their own rate of success rates; that each had a high-percentage risk.

While the doctors argued over the surgeries, the three nurses focused solely on the issue of suffering. They reasoned that seeing how he struggled to breath and how fragile his hearts were, and that each operation should be seen as a mass of sapping sieges.

"Come off the bull-crap," snapped Dr Neilson, "you know we can save this child, you just don't want him to burden your workload any further!"

The Doctor was beginning to dislike this man with a passion now, sensing that he was more interested in using Dylan as an experiment rather than a living being. He leaned forward and stared at the young doctor.

"What would you do if Dylan was your own son?" he asked quietly, but his power was in the question. He wasn't a stupid person. "Would you put him through the same things?"

He was glad to see that Dr Neilsons' eyes went downwards and he looked and seemed uncomfortable with the close and personal question, but wasn't surprised that he declined to answer saying that it was not concerned with him of what he did with his own children.

"I thought as much," he murmured and leaned back, happy that he'd made a 'professional' uncomfortable with his own ethics.

The meeting went on for another half an hour, after which the two asked to be left alone for a few minutes to discuss their decision. They were guided into a side room, where they entered.

"We can take him and get someone to heal him, can't we?" Rose asked, looking at his own eyes for a hint of anything to save her child. "They have to have something that helps children like Dylan in the future?"

Refusing to meet her eyes now, he closed his own for a few brief seconds. But it told her all he needed to know.

"In about twenty to twenty-five years," he said, and for the first time his vice shook in front of her, "any baby that is born premature or is required to have any medical surgeries, apart from ones that have no chance of mental retardation, are left to die."

She looked at him horrified. "But what about the parents?"

He shrugged his eyes bright already. "Don't know, didn't stay to see the rest of that _particular_ future."

"Is there any hope of having him normal," she asked, tears now starting to fall. "I mean, …"

"Rose," he said gently, "he's going to die, no matter what we do,… his physiology isn't made for two hearts, but if he had one, it'd still kill him."

Rose stilled, looking at him oddly, then her eyes lost her grief and was replaced with cold anger. "You knew this?" she questioned, her voice shaking but for an entirely different reason. "And when were you going to tell me?"

"I only just guessed it," he snapped. "I may be completely wrong, but his heart scans say 'yes'."

She broke eyes contact, seeing he was telling the truth, and that if he could save Dylan, he would, no questions asked.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled softly, and he gathered her in a tight hug, trying to hold himself together.

"Nothing to be sorry about," he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

Ten minutes later the Doctor and Rose exited the side room, hand in hand, but hearts breaking.

"We've made our decision," Rose started, blinking back tears, "Dylans' not to have any more surgeries, he's suffered enough."

The nurses' nodded and Julie had tears in her eyes, knowing how hard this was for them all. With that they walked out, leaving only Dr Neilson and Kaner alone.

Neilson turned to Kaner, frustration on his features. "Don't they understand?" he said tersely. "We can save this kid; we only need to do a few more operations!"

Kaner waved him off, "they've already made their decision."

Neilson banged his fist on the oak table. "You don't withdraw anything with from a child with an isolated haemorrhage; it's only a grade three for crying out loud!" he shook his head, "their not strong with this."

The older doctor walked out, "As a friend of mine once said: 'Some people think its holding on that makes one strong. Sometimes, it's letting go'." He turned and looked at the younger red haired man. "Maybe it's them who are the strong ones Robert, not us."

**-0-0-**

It was Wednesday, two weeks since Dylan was born and the day before he would pass away. Rose had come alone from home, as the hospital had discharged her four days ago and she was at home, to be with her mother and amongst familiar surroundings. The Doctor had decided to stay with the TARDIS, mumbling quietly that it had to be checked on, as this was one of the longest times he'd been away from it. She really knew he was too grief stricken to even consider looking at his son, and realising that Dylans' time was limited until the next afternoon.

Sitting on a chair that seemed to want to swallow her, Rose watched as Julie ever-so-gently lifted Dylan from his little world, softly wrapped him in a green blanket and handed him to her. Rose looked at his tiny face, his eyes watching her intently and saw that some of the tape on his face, and some of the intravenous tubing had been removed from parts of his body.

For such the longest time she simply sat there and rocked him gently, not saying anything but looking at the half-sleepy eyes that seemed to be content with letting go.

Pulling some of the blanket from his face, she sighed. "I'm going to miss you, touching your cheek, seeing those huge yawns that you give daddy," she smiled slightly, "he's honestly not that boring. Don't think he's even spoken to you, has he?" she watched for something in his eyes, but he did nothing but stare back.

"We love you very much," she continued, noticing her voice was becoming shaky, "s'pose that's why we made that decision, really. I did try Dylan, I really did." She was crying now, now fully understanding her decision. "But there's nothing that we can do, you'd probably die more painfully than we'd know, and this is so hard to do, know that we will always love you."

Calming down, as it'd upset the other babies and then make her more hysterical, she simply sat there for half an hour, rocking her son, feeling his warmth and his newborn scent. Rose talked to him some more, and when she had nothing to say anymore, she simply just sang to him, lulling him into sleep, where she handed him back to Julie, and walked home, all the time in tears.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor had gone missing.

Rose had been searching him out for hours, unfortunately he was one of those people that when they didn't want to be found could simply disappear. The TARDIS was in a vacant parking spot, hidden from view and not too far from Roses' home, but far enough that it wasn't a danger of becoming a noticeable object.

She tried calling him on the mobile, he didn't answer. In other words he was in his ship, hiding and letting guilt overriding anything else. Knowing that he was in the TARDIS now she began to search him out, she walked amongst the many corridors, silently asking the ship to not play with switching the rooms around and to make it easier with finding the Doctor.

He was soon found in a room that she'd never seen before. It was full of broken machinery, robots and consoles that could be part of computers. The Doctor was sitting amongst a huge broken machine that looked beyond repair, wires strewn about and over his lap and using his sonic screwdriver and other recognisable tools to try and have progress with the thing. She didn't miss the beer bottle next to him.

"I thought you couldn't become drunk." Rose commented as he took a quick swig.

He didn't meet here eyes but it was obvious that he'd been crying, from the redness around his eyes were still noticeable, even his uneven breathing.

"Right on that account," he replied, swallowing down the lump that seemed to be lodge there, "I was just trying to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth."

Carefully stepping over the pieces of misshaped metal and discarded tools, and also making sure she didn't break anything to set him in a foul mood, which she doubted she could do at this moment in time, Rose knelt behind the Doctor and wrapped her arms around his neck gently. She laid her head on his shoulder, his jacket hanging somewhere within the room. He grasped her hand, feeling her breath on his beck and left ear.

"I did look for ways to help him," he began, his voice wavering and she could tell he was holding it in. "Last night, I went where I thought he could be taken, asked old friends for favours, three weeks out there, only twelve or so hours here. Some Time Lord I am can't even save my own child."

Rose wiped her eyes; already knowing nothing was going to help Dylan, no matter the time or universe. "At least you didn't give up," she whispered, kissing behind his ear, "you tried. That's not failure."

"To me, it is." He replied quietly.

**-0-0-**

Julie, Linda and Daniell had dressed Dylan in a lovely set of yellow pyjamas; Julie held him and looked at the two seated parents. "Do you want to hold him, Chris?"

Blinking rapidly, he shook his head, "I can't," he rasped, sounding on the verge of tears. Nodding in understanding, she instead handed the infant to his mother, who bit her bottom lip as she took him in her arms. With that the nurses began to dissemble the ventilator and other equipment that was keeping Dylan living, but kept the heart monitor on, but with the alarm on mute. It was 5pm, Thursday.

Sitting there and holding their baby while it slowly died was unbearable. Rose didn't say anything as she just rubbed Dylans' pale cheek and tummy with her shaking finger.

"He's got your nose," she murmured, tracing the outline of the infants' nose softly.

"And my ears," the Doctor replied and they both laughed quietly, Roses' sounding between a half-sob.

They were quiet for a long time, just taking in everything and anything they could of the little boy they'd never take home. They both so desperately wanted to take him with them. It was unfair.

"He'll be alright, yeah?" Rose asked finally.

The Doctor could only nod, unable to speak around the lump in his throat, and wiped unseen tears away with the heel of his hand. "Yeah, he … he will be."

With that Rose handed him Dylan. She showed him how to hold him, gently cradling his head in his huge hands, she could tell he was uncomfortable with this arrangement so she then put Dylan against the Doctors' chest, his tiny head sitting under the Doctors' chin, he also wore a blue baby's hat on keeping his downy head keeping him warm and comfortable. More relaxed with this, the Doctor leaned more backwards and began to gently rub Dylans' back.

He smiled a strange sort of smile. "What?" Rose asked.

"I can feel his hearts," he whispered. "Rapid and … fantastic."

Rose only smiled slightly, rubbing her sons' cheek, his eyes watching her face. "Fantastic."

"Yes," he murmured to himself, "this is right."

It was 8:07 when Dylan finally passed away; it was all over

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**AN:** Hoped you like it, now, let the angst begin! And special thanks to Becca for the last sentence structure.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** Ok, I'm sorry that I made people cry. But don't throw those damp tissues away just yet. More sadness, yelling and depression is on its way!

Ok, important announcement. Becsy Lexi is now a co-writer, as I was thinking of giving up and had ran out of ideas, mainly frustration from having over 958 hits and only 24 reviews? (Pokes non-reviewer in stomach and chest), I'm talking about you, bub.

**Dedication:** For mum, who thinks the Doctor is cute and wants to marry him. (41 mum! You're 45! … Should work)

Chapter 5

They held Dylan for another half an hour, this time completely free of any tubes and wires, no heart monitors. It was a strange sight; he looked like he was sleeping with his dad, who was still rubbing his tiny sons' back, giving comfort to the dead. Rose held him also, and rocked him again, telling him how much mummy and daddy loved him and that he would be missed.

Two hours later they were still there, Dylan had been taken away, and they were now trying to sort out what to do next. Jackie was with her daughter, knowing that she needed the Doctors' support more than her own mothers embrace and quiet words.

The truth was he and Jackie had argued behind Roses' back about Dylan, how he could go back and save their first child, how he was a selfish, self-centred prick who had used Rose for his own doing. Having enough of this today he had simply walked out saying he needed to be alone for a while and he would be back later. He was tired of watching everyone around him crying until exhaustion and was unable to do it himself. He wanted nothing better than to find a quiet hole and curl into a ball and sob his hearts out, until nothing was left, and he could go back to Rose, only she'd be an old woman and might not remember him.

He took the stairs down to a section of the hospital where he knew all was quiet and people rarely came, a small '_ding'_ sounded somewhere and the metal doors to the morgue allowed him to walk along the scuffed green floor, his shoes and uneven breathing the only thing giving him away.

Hearing his footsteps, a nurse on duty looked up and blinked, trying to place his face in the hundreds she must have seen daily. "Um … Doctor Chris Smith," he murmured to the nurse, only modifying his used name by a bit.

Finally knowing who he was, she smiled at him in such pity that he looked away as a nauseating wave went through him; hating the look she was giving. His eyes slid to the floor, not wanting anything from this woman, least of all pity.

She lead him to a small room that was cold, but the Doctor had been in colder situations and hardly noticed the temperature as he found the tiny body beneath the creaseless green blanket upon the huge morgue table. Taking the chair the nurse offered him, he nodded his thanks and she left them alone to each other, closing the door behind her.

Having seen thousands of dead bodies in varying stages of decay and mummification, he hesitated when it came to looking at the body of his own tiny son. Gently grasping the corner of the cloth between his finger and thumb, he lifted the covering and pulled it back so that only Dylan's head and shoulders were exposed. He didn't want Dylan becoming cold in his everlasting sleep.

Dylan was the most beautiful little baby that the Doctor had ever seen, his face was soft and unmarred, his eyes were closed quietly having never seen the world and its wonders to behold. The tapes glue marks having been removed by Julie the night before, and nothing had been left in his tiny body as both Rose and the Doctor requested that an autopsy not be done and all the tubes were removed. Though, only because the staff had to, they had taken his baby clothes off of Dylan, so that he wasn't even wearing a nappy underneath the cloth.

He was perfect in everyway that the Doctor could imagine, his hair was downy and a deep blond and brown colour, showing both mum and dads features, though the Doctor suspected that some babies grew out of this. His tiny face was still and the light glinted off of the hairs upon his crown, enhancing the blond tips to look white.

Hardly daring to breath, afraid he might break some unexplained presence within the room, the Doctor reached out a long finger and ever so gently ran it down the soft, icy skin of Dylan's cheek.

Suddenly he found himself gasping and pushed his hand through his thinning hair, realising he was trying to hold everything together. The Doctor knew of thousands of planets that could bring back this one child, but had suffered through thousands of unwanted handicapped children. If Dylan were alive he would have surly had been so severely disabled that he wouldn't have been aware he was even alive. Somewhere inside of the selfish part of the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't going to be.

Besides, he knew that Dylan couldn't even be brought back to life; he'd been dead for far too long to even consider sustaining life again.

The Doctor had calmed enough to realise he'd been crying unconsciously, he wiped at his eyes, looking at the tears that shook on his own fingertips in mild surprise. Wiping an unusually shaking hand over his wearied, unscarred and morbid face, the Doctor could feel the unshed tears mounting in his tired eyes and he rubbed them hard before releasing a broken breath. "What did I do to deserve this?"

The funeral was brief and a rather surprisingly calm ceremony. The priest didn't drone on about why children so young were allowed to pass, he seemed to sense that Rose and the Doctor had heard it all before. He instead asked for patience between all parties and to let the Holy Spirit to guide them through time.

Afterwards Rose found him standing quietly before the tiny and unfair looking grave. The small headstone held Dylan's date of birth, date of death and the message: You will always be loved through Heaven, Earth and Time.

He was quietly looking down at the headstone, his hands in his suit jacket, his black tie whipping about madly in the cool breeze. Rose thought he looked cold and one of the loneliest beings in the universe. Walking up beside him, she quietly slipped her right hand in his left one and held back a rising sob. The Doctor turned towards her, slightly surprised that she was there at all.

Grasping his hand, she led him away, towards the black car waiting to take the family home. There would be no after get together or anything such thing to celebrate Dylan's life. 'There was nothing to celebrate,' he thought silently, 'only pain and death, that's not a life, it's a punishment.'

Jackie, who had cried haunting sobs at the funeral, but hadn't said anything to him in the last four days since Dylan's death, had approached him and instead of hostility, she apologised about what she had said at the hospital and that Rose had told her that he _had_ tried to save Dylan and that was all she needed to hear.

Instead of going back with her they returned to the TARDIS, showering and then both curling up on one of the many huge king sized beds, lost in each others' grief. They stayed there for the whole night and well into the morning, not speaking, or moving or anything. Holding each other was all they had; it was a start to a rocky recovery, painful as it sounded. Though neither one of them knew just how rocky or painful it was to be.

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**AN:** ok, updating is gonna be kind of non-existent for the next few weeks. I've got my HSC trials (or A-levels to you Brits) and mum and dad are gonna confiscate my computer if I don't start studying. But I hoped you enjoyed it, sorry it's so short.

PLEASE REVIEW! weeps W need them! A simply 'that's cool' will do!


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Well, I lied, it's updated sooner than 'a few weeks'. Better AN will be at bottom.

**Dedication:** For David Tennant, you may not be Christopher Eccleston, but may you be "The Doctor" that we all want. No pressure, and break a leg man …………… or the fans will do it for you.

Chapter 6

It was a solid month before they both wanted to leave everything behind again. They had decided to stay at Roses' mothers until she wanted to go on travelling both the universe and time, though the Doctor distanced himself from everyone, including Rose, by tinkering with the TARDISs' inner workings and wondering around London's streets.

She'd never seen him this despondent, he wasn't cold or rude, but he wasn't the Doctor that she had grown to love, he wasn't _her_ Doctor. He didn't argue with Jackie, neither did he mention anything about Dylan. He just seemed to shut off from the world around him.

After looking for him once again, she saw that he was in a park, sitting on a bench, leaning back, an arm casually thrown over the back of it and just staring at nothing.

"Take me away." Rose stated firmly, standing before him. He blinked slowly and turned his head half-way toward her, as if coming out of a waking dream he replied,

"What?"

"I can't take it anymore," she confessed, "They have nothing but pity. And the constant cups of tea are driving me to drink coffee!" He smiled very slightly,

"I'll take you to Zarania one time, tea is banned there."

She blinked. "Why?"

"It's an aphrodisiac there," he shrugged, getting up and walking, not taking her hand in his like he used to. "They're over populated."

"So...a liquid form of Viagra then?"

"Hardly," the Doctor dismissed, heading for the flat, "it's a female aphrodisiac."

"Got ya," Rose nodded, "don't drink anything that's uncapped."

-0-0-

Everything was packed and ready. Her TARDIS key almost seemed to beckon her towards the retro blue box where she was almost sure that everything was going to be ok, that they were going to be fine with everything and that nothing was going to stop them from living again.

Now they were back within the TARDIS and among her comforting sounds and atmosphere, once more ready to head to a destination that only the Doctor knew about; his mood did seem to improve somewhat as he set about getting the old girl to work for him.

"Hold onto something," He yelled from across the console.

"I am doing!" She received a Cheshire cat like grin in reply as he jumped around pressing dials and pumping who knows what that made the TARDIS work the way she did.

They had decided, with as little communication as possible, that they needed to get away, keep themselves occupied as the best means of, well, not falling into a great pit of despair. At least that's what Rose had assumed. The Doctor wasn't so forthcoming with his own plans of what they were going to continue with, after everything that had happened he still seemed to have difficultly pulling his thoughts together. Today, however, he seemed to grasp something of his old self and appeared genuinely happy with himself as he bounced around the console.

When he had appeared at her flat a few days after she found him in the park, he announced that they were leaving that day; but only if Rose wanted to, though, and do something, ya know, to keep busy. She supposed it had been enough because she'd known exactly what he'd meant, had caught up with him a little while later at that park bench; and here they were, hurtling towards who knows where or what. He said he'd take her somewhere interesting, but not dangerous, exciting but quiet compared to their many past destinations.

Her mum hadn't looked too happy about the idea but had seemed to understand the need to do something, even if it were simply going somewhere else. The need to be very far away from earth had been gripping Roses' head for a good while and she felt a very slight relief, of something, as they travelled away from her home planet.

-0-0-

Things were ok for a while, though not great, the places and planets were amazing as usual and for now they seemed to have avoided any life-threatening situations. But things weren't the same by any stretch of the imagination. There wasn't any fun in their travels, no true laughter, no closeness and nothing of the old way things had been. The Doctor wasn't the Doctor, and if Rose were honest with herself, she wasn't the Rose of old either, not that she'd expected to be, or thought things would be the same, it was just hard to realise that everything was so different and out of whack now she wasn't sure if it hadn't always been this way. Something had been taking hold of them over this time, it crept upon them and seeped into their very beings, becoming a part of them in a way that made Rose afraid they would never be rid of it; but she knew it wasn't meant to be there. The hopelessness, depression, silent misery, call it what you will, she knew they had to overcome it before it choked them; the nightmares, the moods, she felt it worsening each day and felt almost powerless to its will. But while the Doctor seemed to drift away from her, as if he had no strength left, she desperately wanted to find a way to fight it.

For as much as they might be going on, travelling the universe and time together, there was no light, and no living.

-0-0-

She needed to find a way to talk to him, that she knew. She didn't want to leave everything behind her; their pasts would always be part of them. She only wanted him to understand that feeling useless and losing part of you was normal, but his reticence was pushing her already long tried patience. His mood was becoming more unnerving and like lightening; calm and _almost_ normal, then distant and uneasy, almost like he was waiting for something to happen.

He hardly slept at all now, and when he did manage to become relaxed enough, he would wake only a few hours later in sweats and shaking terribly. When Rose asked what was wrong or on his mind, he didn't answer, or would simply say 'nothing' in a half asleep way, then would disappear into the TARDISs' many hiding places and not return, leaving her in a dark room wondering what exactly had happened between them.

Rose also suspected that he was losing weight, but as it was months since they had made love, before Dylan was born, it was hard to tell as he always slept with night wear on. She only suspected this as his normal clothes, including his leather jacket, looked baggier on him. Hardly seeing him eat, even chips with her, worried her to no end.

Sure, when you were the one who wasn't even making an effort with breakfast, only having a cup of tea and making it last until lunchtime and not feeling the _need_ to eat was fine. However, when it came to the ones you cared about everything was different.

Her own suspicions only intensified when she walked into the kitchen one morning and she found his hardly-eaten meal within the sink and him sitting at the table sipping a cup of strong coffee.

"Aren't you hungry?" she questioned quietly.

The Doctors' eyes only flickered towards her. "I've eaten enough."

Sighing, like someone who was at defeats door, Rose swallowed back a comment and instead replied simply but forcibly. "You just look thinner than normal."

"I'm eating enough!" he again replied, his temper still in check, though it looked on the edge, that was where she wanted him.

"Enough to what?" Rose accused suddenly, now slightly angered at his refusal for food and knowing he was trying to avoid the subject entirely. "To stay awake? To stay alive? To make yourself regret that you're the one here while Dylan isn't?"

"You honestly want to know!" he yelled, finally losing his held temper. "It's because I _can't_, Rose, I can't. I'm physically sick if I even try! It's not as simple as putting food in your mouth and swallowing."

"Why didn't you tell me then?" she asked felling slightly hurt.

"Because I didn't _want_ to, alright?" he snapped irritability and without another word walked out of the kitchen leaving Rose standing there, feeling suddenly lost and without a true explanation of what had just happened.

They would have these brief episodes of confrontation, where their tempers often flared; but Rose could see they were having no success in drawing him out and she was worried it was fast becoming a losing battle. She almost felt like nothing would help now. Still they continued on, sometimes sniping at each other, mostly acting like everything was hunky-dory and though she wanted to get through to him in any way she could, she wondered whether it would just be easier to give up and play pretend as he did.

-0-0-

Not very long afterwards their stop was a planet called something he could barely pronounce so there was no way she was gonna remember it. It was remarkably like earth in many ways, like many planets were as she was finding out. He showed her everything that he usually did on each journey that they undertook, saw the sights and never missed the shops, she assumed that was for her benefit as he'd never loved shopping much. He still didn't take her hand, not once, which just left her feeling more bereft.

He seemed content enough with delving into deep conversation with an alien that looked remarkably like the puppet on TV from years back; Alf, except this one was purple and seemed to know the Doctor from previous journeys.

Although he seemed complacent, Rose noticed he was only half-interested in what was around him, though he did still give them limitless credits to buy what they wanted and needed.

After buying a snow-globe-like object that seemed to have sea-monkey creatures living in it, she wandered back to the Doctor, detouring now and then to take in an object of interest, until stood beside him and waited for his next decision.

He didn't seem to notice her for a few minutes; just standing and staring at nothing in particular. Looking in the same direction as he was staring at, she saw immediately what had his rapt attention and felt her heart sink deeply.

A toddler was standing in the main square of the town they were currently in, crying hysterically for its mother, who didn't look to be anywhere in sight at that particular moment. Fat tears were falling from her sky-blue eyes and onto her red cheeks as she looked around in confused terror for her parent, her small mouth open and drool ribboning from her tiny white teeth, her small half-pleading wails were ignored by passers by. Rose could feel the Doctor tense beside her, and she was torn between seeing what would happen and what he would do.

Nothing happened. Instead a man came rushing from the crowd, picked the little girl up and kissed her gently, hushing her now slowing tears and wiping the salvia away with a violet handkerchief, turned and disappeared into the crowd with the hiccoughing child.

It all had happened in mere seconds, but Rose could have sworn that time slowed down for both of them simultaneously, without the help of the TARDIS or any technology.

Pretending that she hadn't seen or noticed anything, she slipped her hand into his as a way of greeting him from his deep-looking thoughts.

"Hey," she said, looking up at him, still a little breathless from the trudge and from watching the toddler. "Well, I don't know about you, but I got loads of neat things to show . . . you ok?"

Startled slightly, he unknowingly pulled his hand from hers and stuffed them both in his jacket. Blinking, as if he was trying to figure where he exactly was, he just sighed and shrugged. "Umm … yeah, just didn't sleep last night, one of the TARDIS's consoles decided to malfunction."

Not believing him in the slightest, Rose just watched him for a few moments before shrugging. "We better be off, yeah?" she attempted a half-smile, only he was looking back at the middle of busy and toddler-free square. "We got plenty to do, plenty to see and all. You could even catch a few minutes sleep before we head off again."

"Yeah," he replied quietly, only half-listening, "maybe."

They spent the rest of the afternoon wondering around the other bazaars, only Rose could tell the Doctors' hearts weren't in 'playing tourist' and his mind seemed somewhere else, Rose suspected she knew where. Finally deciding that nothing was going to distract him, she again took his reluctant hand and headed back towards the TARDIS.

Hours later Rose found the Doctor in the library, reading a huge novel in a language that she would never have hoped to learn in her lifetime. Sitting on the desk that his feet were currently propped on, she watched him for a few moments. The Doctor was either too absorbed in his reading to notice her, or was plainly ignoring her presence.

"You sure you're ok?" She asked; this wasn't exactly the time or place to beat around the bush. "It's just you've been awfully quiet for the past few days."

"Look, Rose," he replied firmly, closing the book loudly. "I've just been a bit off lately, and I don't need a personal nurse to cover every aspect of my physical well being at this point in time."

"I'm sorry." Rose apologised softly. Knowing that he'd been unfairly harsh towards her concern, he dropped his feet to the floor, placed the book on the desk then took her hand.

"Don't apologise, Rose." The Doctor caught her eyes. "I shouldn't have snapped; you're just trying to help."

She caught the fatigue in his blue eyes as well as his voice, only showing it when he sighed. "Are you sleeping?"

The Doctor laughed humourlessly. "I don't sleep anymore."

She nodded, understanding why, and was just trying to figure out how to word a question to ask him to talk to her about it, about everything, when he stood abruptly and headed for the door, saying something about 'fixing the monitors again', and that was that. He'd made it perfectly clear he didn't want to talk, it also seemed pretty clear to her that he couldn't bear to be anywhere near her.

It all made her so angry; she jumped off the desk and kicked it hard, doing nothing to the desk and almost breaking her toe in the process. "Shit!" She yelled, she did a strange little hop until the pain decreased and only her anger remained. She spun round and grabbed the nearest available breakable object and flung the glass paperweight at the wall. The smashing noise and scattered fragments of glass didn't begin to satisfy her need to take out her anger on something by wrecking it. So she found something else, and then something else. After several minutes of manic throwing, breaking and destroying she took a breath and realised it wasn't really helping; sinking to the floor she held her head in her hands but still refused to let the tears flow. If she did, they probably wouldn't stop; though for what reason she was being strong she didn't know, it didn't seem like it was for the Doctor, he barely talked to her, she wasn't even sure he registered her presence most of the time now.

She shook her head, as if the answers to all this might fall out of the oblivion and into her reach. She stood, once again not feeling the hunger that having no dinner had left her with, and headed off to bed. The Doctor probably wouldn't even try to sleep, but she preferred to escape reality for the little time allowed her; even when this was interrupted by disturbing images and frightened cries that woke her in a cold sweat.

They couldn't go on like this, but the prospect of confronting him was growing scarier by the day, she felt isolated and alone. Going away on their travels again was meant to give them a fresh start but it just seemed to have compounded their troubles; now she wondered how she'd even thought it would help without them having a heart to heart. That seemed impossible now, instead she knew it was more likely all the repressed emotions would suddenly be too much to bear and one day it would all fall to pieces.

How she longed to be near him, feel the closeness like they once shared, feel the love; at least she'd thought it was love. She really didn't know anymore. Everything felt too much and she couldn't stop the sobs that rose in her throat and the tears that now took hold. For yet another night she cried until she had no tears left.

When Rose finally drifted off into a restless sleep, she missed seeing the one thing that would have given her hope; the shadow of the Doctor fell across the doorway as light from the corridor filtered into her room. He watched her sleeping form for a few minutes, a look of longing and sorrow gracing his features.

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AN: Right, well, I'd like to thank all the reviewers (am snubbing the non-reviewers) will name you all at the end of the fic (long way, my good people). I'd like to send hugs and love and simple awe to my co-author 'Becca', who is laughing at this point in time to a parody that will be put up in a while. She wrote 50 of this chapter (I'd say 75 she says 50), and she wrote 100 of the next chapter…… I suck at argu------stops herself … I won't spoil it.

Right, I have my HSC Biology exam on Friday, am stressed as hell and bought a baby rat last Sunday. His name is Jack and his is sooooooooooo cute. Only 8-9 weeks old.

Also to people who think I'm American, I'm not, I'm actually Australian. GO AUSSIES IN SWIMMING! See?

With the title: it's staying. It's from one of my most favourite songs by Fuel called **_Shimmer_**. The line that inspired the most part of the fic came from: 'We're here and now, but will we ever be again.', so it stays.

And to 'Steven', where did you find the comment on timeforchips? I'd like to see it.

See ya soon.

Smego and Becca


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** This is your co-author speaking (Hands over to Becsy Lexi) this is your shining moment Becca!

Reviewers get extra special choccie and homemade cookies; hugs on individual basis subject to request

Proper AN, at the bottom…

**Dedication:** To my beautiful precious baby Alyssa, the light of my life, may you always be happy and giggly and full of smiles (and poops if you must LOL). I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, which is why the subject of this fic feels so gut-wrenchingly close and frightening. Mummy loves you with all of her heart.

Chapter 7

It was another day, another planet, Roses' desperation with the situation grew but everything seemed determined to remain the same; this life seeming a cruel aching hollow of what it once had been.

They came to a large market place, bustling with activity as everyone went about their daily business; selling kitchen ware and food, to textiles and beautiful fabrics which held Roses' attention more than the rest. The Doctor seemed vaguely interested, but he continued to walk around as if he was in some kind of dream state and even though he was there, walking around and speaking to various sellers, Rose knew it wasn't the real him. He'd been like this everywhere they went on this planet and she didn't know how to talk to him about it all; the times she had considered it she'd lost her nerve and gone on, like him, pretending nothing was wrong, simply because it was easier that way, and much less painful. Still, she knew it couldn't go on forever, as much as she would like to pretend it was all fine, it wasn't and they needed everything out in the open.

The Doctor dutifully paid for the several dresses and armfuls of gorgeous material which she had sworn to 'do something with'; his usual flip comment about her spending and about her ever expanding wardrobe didn't come which only fuelled her worry over his emotional state further. She saw him pretending to stumble over the weight of her purchases, well at least he can do that, she mused as she took a few things from him; promising just one more stop before heading back to the TARDIS, they approached a stall which literally sparkled in the bright suns light. She hovered thoughtfully over the unusual gem stones and jewellery until the stark cry of a baby interrupted both of their thoughts.

For Rose it was coupled with an unprecedented pain, like a stab in her heart and she involuntarily held her free hand over her chest, wincing almost. She glanced at the Doctor who had a strange blank expression on his face; turned towards her, slight concern entering his features.

"Rose, you ok?" She almost nodded, not wanting to admit the reason for her pain, but then it suddenly worsened as a young woman appeared on one side of the stall coming out from the enclosed tent beyond it. She had in her arms a tiny baby, who couldn't have been more than a month old.

She stopped just next to the table, keeping herself and the baby out of the suns light.

"May I help you?" She asked, her polite tone and accent surprising Rose for some reason she couldn't quite work out. Rose glanced at the Doctor and felt her surprise rise even more, for he was smiling down at the baby and had started making silly noises at it. She however, couldn't make her feet move and she wasn't sure she wanted to get any closer; the pain was still present and she had a feeling it wouldn't get better if she were to go and take a closer look at the little babe.

"Boy or girl?" She heard him ask.

"Boy," The woman replied smiling, seemingly delighted that her baby had this deserved attention. "Would you like to hold him?" She actually aimed this question at both of them for her head moved between Rose and the Doctor, apparently not noticing Roses' discomfort or awkwardness.

"Yes." "No." Both the Doctor and Rose answered at the same time. He frowned at Rose briefly before taking the baby in his arms. The mother hadn't seemed to hear Rose which was just as well she mused, she probably already looked rude and lacking in basic manners, and, it was only the Doctor who had seemed to notice it. He was now cradling the little boy as he started to cry, carefully moving him to an upright position he gently patted his back and the newborns' cries diminished while Roses' heart twisted painfully, remembering the Doctor holding their son in such a way as he… She couldn't bear this torture any longer and promptly turned and fled, her TARDIS key feeling warm in her hand she stumbled through the crowd looking down the small side streets in her search for the blue box.

It was almost too painful to breathe and feeling she needed the security of her home, it only came more easily once she had unlocked the door and flung herself inside. There she drew breath in painful sobs which were all too familiar to her.

A few minutes later as her tears slowed, the door creaked open and she felt his presence behind her.

"Rose," The voice was full of compassion, and the feeling in it surprised her, he hadn't sounded that caring for a good while. But she couldn't shake the memory and pain of what had just happened. She had thought perhaps he would come and comfort her now, but she realised she shouldn't have been so hopeful when his form moved past her and walked towards the central pillar.

"What's the matter?" He asked, his voice again sounded caring but his actions weren't displaying any of it. This time it was anger which coursed through her, how could he not know? She stood up.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" She demanded. He turned on the spot where he had already positioned himself at the console.

Her eyes, already red, were full from more gathering tears and the rage that had obviously taken hold of her in those few short minutes took the Doctor back a little. He wore an expression of concerned confusion.

"Rose, calm down, there's nothing wrong with me I assure you!" He sounded like the Doctor, considered her in the same manner that the Doctor used but Rose was sure this could not be him, and if it was she sure as hell didn't understand what was going on with him.

"Calm down? Calm Down! How the bloody hell, am I meant to calm down when you're acting like … acting like this!" He winced at her volume, flipping women and their hormones. Well maybe that was unfair of him, but her inexplicable yelling seemed pretty insane to him at that moment.

"Rose!" He said sternly, with the vague air of a teacher reprimanding a student, he knew at once his tone had been a big mistake. Her eyes, already looking wild and furious suddenly looked ten times more threatening and he got ready for the storm he knew was coming.

"Don't you dare do that," She breathed, speaking more quietly but with the dangerous edge he had been expecting. "Don't speak to me as if I am a stupid kid!"

He didn't even bother to say he was sorry for it, which certainly didn't do anything to placate her. He had thought a direct approach was probably best, and then he would be able to do whatever it was he needed to, to put an end to this crazy shouting match Rose seemed determined to have.

"Maybe you should tell me what is wrong? What is wrong with how I am acting? I'm still the Doctor, Rose, I haven't changed, it's still me, so you'll forgive me if I think what you're saying is a bunch of old codswallop." It had obviously been meant as a joke, she thought as he tried to grin his way out of the problem they were having. He honestly seemed to have no clue that what was going on wasn't quite right. _MEN_! Why they had to be so emotionally stunted she didn't know, and apparently it wasn't just a male human trait, seemed to her that if the Doctor was acting like this then the rest of the universe was probably the same. What a scary thought.

"You can't do it this time Doctor, can't just give me that cheeky grin and have everything be forgotten, I can't forget and you need to realise there's a serious problem here." Her voice was slightly calmer this time, but just as serious, his grin faded and he threw up his arms in mock defeat, though it was obvious he didn't really think there was any point to this 'discussion'. He tried to keep his expression blank and neutral as he leaned against one of the pillars but he didn't quite pull it off and looked bored instead, and also mildly pissed off which irked Rose even more; if that were possible.

"You can't think this is normal behaviour?" She asked incredulously. He looked more annoyed now and didn't care if she knew it.

"Oh and what behaviour would this be?" Was he trying to be so childishly petulant, she wondered, or was he actually naturally this way and she'd just never really noticed before?

"Aarhh, do you know how childish you sound?" She asked him, then deciding this sort of questioning was not going to get anywhere, especially as she could see him becoming more and more closed off. It would be a miraculous feat considering how much he had already distanced himself from her, had it not been for the fact that this was such a crucial moment. She knew they were at a crossroads, and that they were dangerously near losing even more than they already had.

"Well your current-right-this-second behaviour isn't exactly adult or even nice," She snapped at him, unable to let that go, "but I was talking about how you were acting out there," She pointed towards the TARDIS doors and gestured so that he understood that she had meant; out at the market they had been visiting. He was now the one who looked at her with an unbelieving expression gracing his features.

"What the hell was wrong with how I was out there?" He asked in a way that clearly told her that a) he had no idea what he had done and b) that he wasn't impressed at being accused of said thing.

"You honestly don't have any clue do you?" Again this sounded very much like an accusation and he scowled.

"Well you tell me then," He retorted, she took a breath, if he really didn't realise what was going on then this was going to be so much harder.

"With that baby out there," She started saying, this time very quietly, if she was honest she didn't really want to talk about it either; to talk over any of it; but it had to be done now.

"You acted like…like…" Rose found the words harder to say the more she thought them.

"Like...?" He asked, also quietly and with a slightly softer expression, almost as if maybe he now had a sense of what direction she might have been thinking in.

"You acted like nothing had happened, has happened I mean, like our son never existed. You held that baby like everything is right with the universe when it isn't."

She almost whispered this last part, her voice getting quieter and quieter with each word that she had been so reluctant to speak. Her tears that had been unshed before were now not so shy.

She looked up and realised she hadn't wanted to say it for good reason. The Doctors face now looked frozen, all except his eyes which looked so coldly dark that she shivered slightly.

The temperature in the console room seemed to have dropped several degrees, but that could have been Roses' imagination; it was probably just the Doctor's expression that was what was cold; and his attitude and his stance. When he finally spoke it was in a clear succinct manner that made it clear the subject was not going to be discussed.

"Rose, I held that baby as a baby expects to be held and as his mother expected I hold him. I find nothing wrong with how I acted; in fact, it is how we are meant to act; life goes on doesn't it? Are we meant to be miserable gits forever? I don't think so; now come on, time for a change of scenery I think." He turned around and was at the console once again a second later, turning dials and pressing buttons as the TARDIS started to creak into life.

It was remarkable the way he had done it, it would be so easy to agree with him, give a silent assent to his unspoken need to not talk about it, to close the subject once and for all.

"So; where to now Rose, what shall we do next?" His voice was normal sounding, showing no indication of what had just happened or been said; he was clearly blocking it out completely.

She couldn't do it though, things had to be said; he needed to sort this all out, sort out what he was feeling, there was no telling what might happen if he just ignored it, pushed it away into the back of his mind. And she certainly didn't want to be on the receiving end of it when it finally did force its way out in an explosion of regressed emotions and misery laden anger.

"No."

This one word had such an immediate reaction that Rose was taken aback; for one she hadn't thought she'd said it loud enough for him to hear; her nerves were now failing her when she needed even more courage. It was a strange sensation, but she was almost afraid of the Doctor now, not a pleasant feeling, she knew it was his reaction she was not looking forward to, but did that really amount to fearing him? She reasoned it probably didn't but it didn't make this moment any less tension filled.

"No?"

"No." She confirmed, he turned once again but had not managed to mask his emotions from his face this time. He looked thoroughly pissed off.

"Then you wish to go home do you? That can be arranged." It sounded almost like a threat, and she knew it was meant to. He had probably meant it to shock her from going any further into this dangerous territory.

"You know I don't, we have to talk about this."

"I think you will find that we DON'T in fact have to talk about anything," His tone was clipped and left no doubt as to his wish to keep well away from discussing this subject. Well that was just tough.

"Gawd, how can you be like this? I just don't get it, it's mad, you're mad, I just don't understand." She sounded fairly hysterical now, they both knew it, and also knew there would be no going back from this point. She stood there muttering to herself in a very distracted and irate way which was obviously enough to spark a little concern in the Doctor.

"Rose," He said softly, moving towards her and in much more of a normal Doctor kind of way that she looked up, hopeful that he might be finally ready to talk; looking back she knew she shouldn't have got her hopes up. It had been pointless.

"Please just tell me, why are you being like this?"

"Like this? Rose this is madness, what was wrong with holding that baby? I've already said…"

"It isn't just about that!" Her voice burst out, like a lion that had finally been freed after long captivity. Things were surely going to run away with them; it was well beyond control now.

"This is about what you've been like ever since we left earth, after…after…" Unable to complete her words she chanced a look at him; and immediately wished she hadn't for there stood the Doctor with the same cold dark haunting expression he had worn just a short time ago. She wondered for moment what the hell she was thinking; why couldn't she just leave it alone like he had wanted, hell, like she had wanted if she were honest. But no, she had to go and push it, but not only had she pushed him to a place where he obviously hadn't wanted to go, she had pulled herself along with him and not for the first time she wondered whether she really belonged here with him.

The ice that gripped her heart was shatteringly painful; life without him was too horrible to imagine, and yet, she didn't see how they were going to move forward if they didn't get these things out in the open.

"Say it." His voice echoed grimly around the console room and she almost thought probably the whole TARDIS, which was eerily silent.

His tone was horribly dead sounding.

She shook her head, unable to say what he knew she had been going to.

"Say. It." Hard, cold, empty, that's what she heard in those two short words, and they sliced into her, she couldn't hold up any kind of strong resistance, she, at least, knew when enough was enough. She wasn't strong enough for this and knew she hadn't been strong enough for this shit from the start; from when her poor baby had been taken from her; from them.

Any tiny resolve she had had, now failed her, and she was half pleased, maybe it would show him just how far this had gone, how much she didn't want to do this.

But when she looked up there was no change in his demeanour, if anything he looked harder, and she registered with some shock that it scared her. The Doctor scared her, and she realised, she had never felt more disturbed, or alone.

"No," She said, her voice shaking slightly but still clear.

"Rose." His voice was now sounding, if it were actually possible, more dangerous. She meanwhile, had reached the end of her rope with this.

"Dylan." She said quietly, "DYLAN!" She yelled at him.

"You've been acting like everything's fine, everything's normal, and it wasn't just that baby out there, it's everything, all the bloody time. Things aren't bloody normal ok? It will never be ok that he is gone, but you're acting like he never existed and that's an insult to him!" She took a steadying breath hoping it would help.

"There's nothing wrong with showing emotion, showing sadness, showing…complete and utter devastation. I feel like I'm dealing with this on my own cos you are so closed off from it, and from me."

All the time she had been speaking a change had come over the Doctor. His eyes, so blank and cold a few moments before were now blazing with a white hot fire and his face, so empty, was now contorting with anger.

"Don't you think I know that it isn't okay? You think I don't feel anything about my dead son just because I don't cry myself to sleep every night? You really think I don't feel…just because, because I don't tell you?"

The reaction that his words wrought was just as he had intended, or so she assumed. It was like daggers attacking her heart; hurt, plain and simple, direct and horribly effective. She couldn't find the words to reply, choked instead on the sick feeling that was making its way through her.

"Go on then." He taunted, "Go on and tell me how much it hurts, how you feel about your dead baby?"

How could he do this? She didn't understand and then she did at the same time. He was lashing out at her.

She felt exhausted; but knew they were no where near finished.

"Well?" He asked nastily, his face now looking a strange and cruel combination of anger and crazed manic and ill-disguised misery.

"I can't," Her voice came out, cracking. "It's, can't…how can you put into words, the pain…I can't alright, how can you do this?" She cried, holding her hands shakily over her heart and sinking to the floor.

"I thought as much, you can't begin to imagine what it's like." This got her attention all right.

"Why? Is it because it's so much worse for the almighty Doctor; because you're so much better than us humans?"

"Yeah that's right."

"If I'm so stupid why the hell did you bring me along with you?"

"I have no idea, was beginning to wonder that myself; I should have just kept going when you said no the first time."

"Don't you do that; you're just avoiding the issue here."

"Am I? And you being the stupid little ape you are, worked this out all by yourself, well done, give yourself a gold star." She narrowed her eyes.

"Can't you quit being such a pompous, arrogant self important arsehole just for once? The universe does NOT revolve around YOU!"

"Oh and you think you're important then?"

"That ain't what I said…"

"A stupid little human who can't even carry a baby to full term; to grow a child properly, go on try to deny it!"

These words hit Rose like a sledgehammer ripping across her guts, like a thousand pieces of glass tearing through her.

And in spite of the almost blinding pain he had inflicted she managed to summon enough energy and will to stand and go with her gut reaction.

She slapped him; hard.

"Bastard," It was a fitting reaction, though not nearly bad enough to convey the hurt he had caused her. And the pain of knowing he blamed her in the same way she had blamed herself, for weeks she had been thinking she'd done something wrong during her pregnancy. "You couldn't save him though could you? For all your superior species and technology you couldn't bloody save him you horrible useless alien."

She simply didn't care what he was doing now, he had gone too far, she'd known it would probably happen and it had. She didn't see how they could go back now.

So she elected to make things that little bit worse, the burning anger would not release her.

"Bloody useless you are, you couldn't save him and you couldn't save any of them either; your planet. No you destroyed them like you've destroyed us, all of us." She shook in continued rage.

"Why ever did I lower myself to your level? Aarhh that's right, it was alcohol wasn't it? One stupid drunken night that started all this. Must have been off my head to be with you in the first place - a Time Lord and a human, ridiculous! Never work, I'm too good and you're just, too human."

His breath seemed to have finally escaped him after his rant and the air around them was no longer silent as the TARDIS grumbled in its workings. The atmosphere was now sickening as the force of their anger lessened calmed slightly.

Rose couldn't think; everything she had ever worried about regarding the Doctor and herself and Dylan had been thrown at her as accusation of her part in all this mess. Her mind now felt utterly lifeless and all she felt was this pain that started in her head and spread to every bit of her body.

All she wanted was to escape from him and this space; she turned and fled out of the TARDIS doors. Not paying any attention to the faint 'Rose' called after her, and not caring either. She was instantly grateful this time, that the TARDIS had a mind of her own, as she'd just run out into the precinct of those familiar flats and didn't stop running until she had got up those stairs, into the flat and was in her mothers comforting arms.

**-0-0-**

He saw her eyes mist over with tears again and again. Something jolted him from his half aware enraged madness and he looked into those eyes. She turned and ran out of the doors, away from him, his feeble call of 'Rose,' dying on his lips, knowing it was a futile effort.

He realised, too late of course, what he had done. The pain erupting from his soul had simply been too much to bear and he at aimed it at the nearest and easier target; a painful yet satisfying outlet. How he could have done it he didn't know; all he knew was that everything was gone, broken and hollow. He felt empty, and curling himself up on the console floor he dearly wished to have the power to put it all right again; the power the Time Lords had claimed to wield, but it was all for nothing, there was nothing he could do.

There was no other sound within the TARDIS, except for the broken sobs of an alien who had truly lost everything.

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**AN**:

**Smego Baggins**: Heart-breaking, eh? (Hands out chocolate, tissues, hugs and Doctor pluhies 'to bash against the wall' and then runs). First time I read it I jumped up and swore loudly at him, yelling at her to 'SLAP THE PRICK!' Mum calmed me down. See? Even authors get caught up in their fics!

Now it's 'Misery Avenue' for our two people (and I also mean the characters) for the next chapter. Should Rose forgive him?

Chocolate won't save THIS relationship!

**Becsy Lexi**: ducks as readers fling all sorts of crap at her HEY! Okay, you think I'm a bitch now huh? I'm sorry, but it had to be done. I'm not even sure where all that stuff came from, it just appeared on the page and felt like it fit. It all needed to come out and well, there you have it, what a mess! Lol and as my esteemed co-writer says, more misery for our favourite two I'm afraid. Not pretty or nice but much more real this way. I hope you will keep reading AND reviewing! Hang in there with us, even though it's a bit of a long tunnel, there is some hope…I don't think we're THAT horrible as to have them be miserable gits forever!

Becsy Lexi and Smego Baggins


	8. Chapter 8

**AN**: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaccckkk! (Becsy Lexi and Smego Baggins dodge rotten fruit). Wow, you people aren't very happy, are you? Well, we DID offer cookies and hugs, but no one took them. Speaking of not taking hints: If you're going to read this damn fic, please leave a review. No offence but I could just drop this thing, and actually do something more constructive with my already limited time.

Anyway, annoyance aside, special thanks go, again, to the other co-author Becsy Lexi, who's blood, sweat and tears went into this, (hugs Becsy) couldn't do this without ya!

**Dedication**: For all the teachers who have passed into my life and those who have yet to give me a part of their wisdom

Chapter 8

Her mobile sat on the table, its screensaver a photo of the family cat that had passed away a year before. Curled up within her usual chair, Roses' eyes were only half watching the mid-morning news and glancing more towards the offending phone. No one, let alone _him_ had called at all, but then she wouldn't have talked to him even if he had. That didn't stop her checking though.

Jackie sat a hot cup of tea before her daughter, kissing her gently on the head before moving back to the kitchen to make her a special breakfast. Hoping that this would help her now quiet daughter to give her more details of her sudden return; in hysterical tears and not wanting to talk about anything that involved the Doctor.

She was beyond tempted to march right on down to that blue box, flatten the door and beat the living crap out of the Doctor until he either told her what he had done, or begged for his pathetic life to be spared, who cared if he was the last of his race? Jackie didn't, not when it came to her only daughter who seemed to be in shock.

He hadn't hit her Rose, Jackie was positive; he hadn't assaulted her, for she knew it wasn't in his character, sure he definitely had a dark side, but he wouldn't be violent in that way. It only led to one conclusion.

They'd had a huge row, and it wasn't going to come good anytime soon.

Suspicion tugged at the back of Jackie's mind for days after Rose had come into the flat suddenly, face flushed, mascara running onto her cheeks and shirt and unable to tell what had happened. For a few hours she had suspected that something had happened to the Doctor, knowing he meant the world to Rose and so close after losing her first grandchild she felt her own strange grief for the alien who had swept her only daughter off her feet. Only when Rose confirmed that it wasn't like that, with a frenzied shake of her head when asked; Jackie thought that he had left her there. But seeing the TARDIS outside confirmed nothing and Jackie was baffled by the unknown situation.

She was so pre-occupied with worrying that it was only the smell of burning toast that brought her out of it. Waving white smoke from the ruined toast, she popped the release button, scraping the charcoal from the bread, buttered it and poured the steaming spaghetti and meatballs over the toast. The bacon was more successful; crisp and curled how Rose liked it.

"Ta da!" Jackie sing-songed and with a flourish; elegantly placed the plate on the coffee table in front of her still quiet daughter. "See? I can cook a proper meal, and I didn't even burn the curtains this time!"

The simple joke didn't work. Rose didn't even flicker an eye at the food or Jackie's attempt at humour, no matter how ineffective it was.

Jackie sighed, feeling a wall had been erected between her and Rose and she had nothing to break it down or find a way to understanding her daughter's emotional distress. Jackie rubbed Roses' hand softly, and went back into the kitchen to do the washing up, leaving her daughter staring out of the window and watching the grey clouds in the cold sky; deeply immersed in her own thoughts.

**-0-0-**

There was nothing really like having your heart ripped apart. And, definitely nothing like having it happen over and over. Rose had always supposed those poets, she'd briefly read in school, had been pompous arses who just liked to exaggerate. Well they were that but now she realised all that depressive stuff they'd written had actually been true.

There was a dull void where her heart had been, it now lay in pieces, scattered here and there and honestly, right now, she had no care that this was the case. It was like she'd shut down, she didn't speak, except the odd word to her mum, and she ate almost nothing. She was numb, in those first days and weeks afterwards, she was just in shock and almost resembled a catatonic state at times; which was when Jackie was most afraid for her daughter. Her mind had gone into a kind of meltdown, the blow of now losing the Doctor after everything else, after losing Dylan had left her unable to cope; so she didn't.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor wasn't faring any better, he had picked himself off the console room floor to realise he had no clue; about anything. Overwhelming sorrow shook his being and he felt lost. There wasn't much to be said for his mental state, and it was probably a good thing he rarely left the relative safety of the TARDIS, except for the pointless walks to the flat which never got him anywhere. Who knows what might happen if he'd had much contact with 'the stupid apes that populated this insignificant planet'.

His initial inertial moods had not been helped when Jackie and that idiot Mickey had tried to knock down the TARDIS door. It was several days after the 'event' and he assumed they'd only just got the truth out of Rose because they'd sounded like they were ready to brain him. They'd wanted answers, at least that'd been their plan, he couldn't blame them but he'd not been so far gone to open the door to their hammerings. He'd heard them though.

"I don't think he's in there." Jackie stated looking at the firmly closed door.

"Just because he's not answering doesn't mean he ain't in there, coward." Mickey grumbled and then shouting for the whole estate to hear, "Prick!" There'd been one big last thump on the door and they'd gone off. But no, he couldn't blame them, but even though he blamed himself the Doctor wasn't helped by their verbal abuse. He didn't need to be reminded of what he'd done; it haunted him quite enough, often feeling sick at the simple thought of it.

**-0-0-**

Rose in turn wasn't overly appreciative of her mothers fussing, course, somewhere in her head she knew her mum only wanted to help, she just didn't want it, she didn't want to think, but Jackie hadn't been able to leave it alone, especially when she'd first come home. She'd been lovely and comforting to begin with, but then Jackie being Jackie she'd wanted to know, and the questions had started. Eventually Rose had had to give a few details, just to shut her up, course she knew it wouldn't help, 'a problem shared is a problem halved' my arse, it really hadn't helped, Jackie had immediately told Mickey and they'd rushed off to try and kill the Doctor, or something. The idea of their possible contact with him gave Rose a strange feeling, like the opposite of happy excitement, it made her heart ache. He obviously hadn't answered the door, she'd been able to hear their yelling even from the flat, and didn't surprise her. A small part of her was more disappointed than she'd let on, and even though she wouldn't see him when he came to the flat asking, part of her felt slightly comforted that he continued to ask.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor didn't know what to do as he became more desperate. He'd managed to push away the one person he needed, and loved, but he hadn't just pushed her, he'd bloody chucked her overboard. He was so afraid he'd lost her forever his mental state deteriorated further. Now he was into throwing things. Anything he came across really, whenever a violent urge went through him. The only other thing he seemed capable of doing, well almost, was tinkering and fixing the TARDIS. He went from one extreme to the other, violent and destructive, to quiet and constructive. He didn't want to think, Rose refused to speak to him despite his attempts, most of the time Jackie refused to even open the door and just shouted abuse at him through the letterbox. Knowing he deserved it all there were no comebacks for her, just an occasionally aggressive miserable alien who felt sick at the thought of everything that'd happened. He wouldn't know what to say to Rose even if she agreed to see him, simply not knowing where to start making amends. But, he didn't leave, not able to bear the thought of separation from her, and not ready to accept there wasn't anything of their relationship left to save. So he clung to this rock for dear life, for his Rose; and sunk lower still when things didn't improve.

They had been grieving for Dylan, in their own however messed up ways; but now, they were grieving for each other.

**-0-0-**

With his complete inability to deal with everything, the Doctor even worried himself at times, wondering if he really was going insane. Apart from the situation as it stood with Rose, he'd been stuck on this planet for longer than he liked to think, wasn't used to staying in one place and that, along with everything else gave him some questionable ideas.

He honestly thought at the time, that one or two drinks wouldn't hurt, might make him feel better, and besides, it took a ridiculous amount of alcohol to get a Time Lord drunk so he wasn't in any danger really.

Eight hours and 56 bottles later, many mostly empty boxes lay within the console room of the TARDIS, scattered and becoming more ripped as each pack was having its contents consumed rapidly. His mind was quiet, numb and unconcerned with his current actions, his long fingers moving up and down the bottles short neck and reading the already memorised ingredients, warnings and nutritional value. He was in one of his quieter moods; the sonic screwdriver laying forgotten somewhere in that same room as its owner simply blinked at nothing.

The Doctor knew he was on his way to a heavy hangover, but it didn't fully register anymore, like most happenings that occurred with his beloved TARDIS, which felt his own grief as well as Roses' absence with her. She hummed to herself, lights flickering in agitation and worry as she sensed the Time Lords increasing depression; if the TARDIS were an actual 'being' it would have tried to console him in some form or other.

Picking at a peeling corner of the label, the Doctor tapped his foot against the grating of the TARDIS floor. With no more than a single thought of the consequences, he hauled himself off the cold metal floor and made a beeline for the main console.

He went to touch the console and flick a switch, but a spark shot up and zapped his fingers smartly. Immediately he knew that his own ship was trying to prevent him from even touching it.

"Nice try," he grumbled, but flicked the switch anyway, "but it's not going to work."

The TARDIS reluctantly began its engines and the familiar 'whooshing' noise filled the main room, filled him with a sense of foreboding and yet freedom. Minutes later, he walked out of the reluctant blue box and into the comfortably cool evening of a planet that he'd blindly chosen.

A beautifully intense sunset was taking place; the sky was shading from blue to brilliant red and orange, with dusk coming on quickly; a massive, distorted-looking red sun slipping gently behind a few snow-caped mountains.

Though he was more or less intoxicated beyond his normal limit, the Doctor was still able to appreciate a fantastic sunset when he saw one. So instead of exploring the planets inhabited areas, he sat against the closed doors of his TARDIS and watched natures wonder well past the lighting of the stars. Hours later he was still watching the sky; his arms wrapped around himself, yet lying on the ground instead of against the blue doors. He was also still drunk, but in a quiet mood.

He'd get up in a few minutes, even if the stars were closely bright and slightly unfocused, he would force his aching body and limbs to move from the cold lumpy ground and try and do something with this time he had here.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor woke with a start. The ground beneath him was uneven, cold and most uncomfortable; he must have fallen asleep while calming his rising regret and turmoil and at what he'd done to the one who hadn't deserved to be on the end of his release.

Stretching out his aching body, his jacket creaking with him, he knew he deserved whatever he received at this point in time. Settling back against an unknown rest he half-closed his eyes, listening to the strange bird calls, animal sounds and un-earth like smells that drove him to think of only one person.

Rose.

She would have loved this place, he silently mused to himself; his buzzing mind forgetting for a brief moment why he was there; he'd love to show her this particular plant whose large native flower changed colour as the day drifted. When he realised what he'd been considering shadows rolled and crossed his mind, dragging his lifting mood back to rock bottom.

Rose was never going to forgive him, not even if she was in front of him and he died there and then. He had accused her of her greatest fear about Dylan; that she was the cause of it all. He'd quietly and coldly repeated to her face her fears that she was a failure on both respects of losing her baby and holding it to full term.

He was wallowing, the Doctor realised, in something he himself had created and caused. He knew he had caused the tension, the hurt, anger, hatred and breakdown that he was sure Rose felt.

Feeling like he couldn't possibly be brought any lower, the Doctor pushed himself onto his feet. This planet was by no means deserted; it was a densely populated half-way planet for aliens packing cargo, detours, and a lot like New York now that he came to think about it.

Making sure the TARDIS was locked (a habit he'd picked up from humans) and decided to get an idea of the general city. Of course, given his mood and recent reflections he had no frame of mind to sight-see. One thing he was suddenly skilled at was finding dark dingy places in which he could drown his sorrows some more.

Some time later, it became obvious that his ability to attract trouble was in no way lessened by his drunken stupor. Who knew how this particular situation had developed into such a mess, though part of him was yelling that it was his fault for provoking them while the other half was calming stating that was ridiculous. Well good judgement while drunk wasn't one of his special talents.

Having enough of the point blank refusal to take their point and leave, the Doctor simply turned to them and flipped them the bird.

The bar erupted.

The Doctor suddenly found himself on the floor, the left side of his face feeling numb, but throbbing as if a brick had been slammed into it. The fist that did hit him was roughly the size of one, but a dirty orange with hairy knuckles. Thinking quickly, he struck with his booted foot, striking the shin of the creature that had attacked first.

Pushing himself up from the suspiciously sticky and horrific smelling floor, the Doctor readied himself for another onslaught.

He seemed to gain the upper hand for a few seconds before a rough looking alien came up behind him and brought a wooden chair down onto the Doctors' thin back. The force slammed him into the ground, and through no dent was visible he felt as if his entire ribcage was on fire.

The Doctor whirled around and punched the offending alien in the jaw, making it stumble back slightly, but it retaliated and decked him one. With that the Doctor was rendered unconscious.

He woke hours later in a back alley, unceremoniously slumped against a wastage disposal unit with a strange fuzzy animal gnawing at his good shoes. Hissing the animal away, which scattered into the shadows, he blinked and looked up and into the brilliant night sky.

At some point during the night, he stumbled into a random motel, finally exhausted and feeling like maybe the whole drinking thing hadn't been his best plan ever. He was so far gone he hadn't even considered getting back to the TARDIS. He crashed out on the bed, his last thought was of Roses' face, he tried to reach out to touch her cheek, but she wasn't there, and all he did was knock an alarm clock onto the floor; aware of only his wish to hold her again he fell into restless oblivion.

The sleep lasted not long enough and his thoughts were once again becoming evermore darkly depressing. One conclusion was that love sucked, and it could crawl into a pit and die for all he cared.

Hours later he was still sitting on the motels bed, clutching a small picture of Rose. She was smiling that cheeky smile and looking at him with those expressive eyes that did so much talking. He didn't have many photos of her, so he kept this one close to his hearts, where he wished her to be. He knew he was drunk, and as he thought about it, 72 hours of solid drinking wasn't him, nor was it going to become him. He also knew that he didn't really think that about love, it was what had rebuilt him after such a long time alone and guilt-ridden after the war. But now he felt much the same again, the circumstances had changed, the outcome was the same. He was miserable and alone.

Now, sitting with his knees to his chest and within the foggy headache of a hangover, the recent rainwater lazily slipping down the window in front of him, the Doctors' sorrow came for him fully. It came and unmade him, dissolved him, took away whatever defences remained within him. He put his head to his knees and cried, gently rocking himself back and forth on the lumpy mattress, thinking and believing that he would do anything, anything at all, for a second chance.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor groaned, now knowing why you never mixed drinks from different sides of the universe. For some reason his head felt more awake than the rest of him, though even that was confused as he came round a little more. Sitting up he winced at the light assaulting his eyes, holding his head like it was gonna do him any help, his aching body an irritating reminder of the ill-advised fight of the night before. Despite all this, one thing immediately came to the forefront of his mind,

"Rose." Was all he said, and with that everything was back with him; even in that state, he jumped up, swaying badly, as he lunged for the door.

It took him longer than normal to find the TARDIS, having to rely on the warmth of his key rather than his memory. Racing up to the console, he almost collapsed onto it.

He fumbled a bit with the switches and controls as he set the coordinates, hoping that in the 4 minutes he would be gone, nobody, particularly not Rose would have noticed. Though he was pulled up short by the question of whether Rose would actually care he'd gone. Well, just for the possibility she would and did care he started moving again.

**-0-0-**

It had been weeks before Rose felt up to really going anywhere, and even then it was only a quick nip to the shops, she knew her mum was worried, but she couldn't help that right now. To begin with Rose had just told her she was 'fine' and to stop fussing, but now she barely communicated at all. Jackie was lucky if she got a few words out of her each day.

The only true sign that Rose was still in there was the brief glance she gave the TARDIS from the window each morning; it was just visible far below. This small gesture reassured her mum enough to not get those head doctors involved. She'd already talked to her doctor about Rose's 'illness' but without her admitting she needed help, and accepting it, there was nothing they could do. Jackie knew her baby was sick, this simply wasn't normal; and it wasn't surprising that her loathing for the Doctor had multiplied several times over.

"Before you ask, he's still down there, so don't go worrying about that." She said one morning, not disguising her disapproval at how much Rose cared he was still here. Rose might not say anything but some things spoke volumes, Jackie knew she wouldn't ask that, she'd just say things in hopes of drawing her out but it didn't work, was just Jackie's way of trying to prod her daughter, too afraid to really confront her over what she was doing to herself.

The silence she was met with scared her more than she'd freely admit, Rose hardly ate, hardly slept, hardly left the flat, never went out, except for that once with Shirreen when she'd come back at 4 in the morning completely wasted; Jackie had been so worried Rose would start using alcohol as an escape, she'd banned her from going when she pointed out to Shirreen that there was no way she'd be able to stick to a no drinking rule.

Over two months had passed and things weren't changing. Rose was the same as ever. So when Jackie heard a strangled cry at 5 in the morning she leapt out of bed toward the living room, where she'd heard the noise come from. Rose was crumpled on the floor sobbing hysterically. Jackie didn't know what was more disturbing, that she was finally showing some emotion, or that whatever had caused this reaction was likely to be something terrible.

"Oh darling, what is it? Tell me please." She tried to coax her but no sense came from Rose's hysteria though she pointed to the window. Curious; Jackie stood up and looked out and down, not seeing what she was meant to, to begin with.

"Shit." Were all the words she could muster; how could he do this? The TARDIS was gone.

"Oh Rose, sweetie come here." And for a brief moment Jackie comforted her daughter, hoping she would finally be of some use. But it was soon obvious there was nothing to be done, Rose remained panic-stricken and inconsolable; she went to her room and stayed there, unaware of everything except her own sorrow. And it wasn't so much that she refused food, she just wasn't even aware when others were in the room, so it was no surprise she never touched the food they left her.

On the second day she was in such a state she had to be sedated by the doctor Jackie had called. On the third day she was calm enough for Jackie to get few responses out of her. But she felt so drained of every emotion that exhaustion claimed her quickly again.

When she got up on the fourth day and felt up to coming out her room she got another shock when she looked out of the window. Only this time it wasn't heartbreaking; despite that Rose was utterly overwhelmed by it and passed out cold right there; which was where her mum found her a couple of minutes later.

There down below the flats, the big blue police box stood in the exact spot as before as if nothing had happened. Like the bottom of Rose's world hadn't completely given way.

**-0-0-**

In those few minutes the TARDIS took to take him back to Earth the Doctor thought of nothing but Rose. He had sobered up so abruptly he was now feeling it and felt sick to his stomach; though whether that was connected to the drink or to his desperate need to get back to Rose he wasn't sure.

He slumped over the console groaning in sympathy as the TARDIS did, deciding she knew how he felt. She probably did, she wanted Rose back almost as much as he did.

He glanced briefly at one of the screens as the TARDIS came to its destination. Doing a double take his eyes went wide and he starting shaking his head manically.

"No, no, no, no, no!" He shouted at no one as he bounded around the console and tried to alter course, only he'd left one of the grates open and not having the full non-inebriated control of his feet he tripped, fell head first into the mass of wires and heard an almighty **_crack_**.

His hearts sank, what had he broken? On inspection he supposed it was one of those horrible universal 'rules', he'd managed to snap a control board in half, would take weeks to fix, and, most importantly meant he was stuck here. Here where he'd stupidly set the TARDIS to come when he was completely pissed out of his head, four days later than he had meant to be; four days after he'd left Rose.

He held his head in his hands; she would think he'd left her for good. He didn't know what terrified him more; the idea that she might be more upset and angry or, that she wouldn't care that he'd gone.

Only one way to find out, it just happened to be exactly what he didn't want to do, to confirm his worse fears that she didn't care and wouldn't want him back.

**-0-0-**

He appeared on the doorstep looking desperate and out of breath, Jackie opened the door and taking one look at his dishevelled appearance and inhaling the smell of booze, she slapped him one.

"I need to talk to Rose," Half ignoring the fact her mother had just slapped him, again.

"How could you do that to her after everything that's gone on? Leaving her like that, I don't believe you, as if you haven't hurt her enough." He felt the words strike against him, but strangely they didn't have the effect Jackie had meant them to. Rose _was_ actually bothered he'd disappeared? He'd thought maybe but definitely knowing was something else.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I _need _to talk to Rose," He grew more determined now, surprising himself with the strength of feeling in it.

"Well she doesn't want to talk to you…"

"But I need…" She interrupted him,

"What you_ need _to do is go away and get sober, drinking isn't the answer. Besides that you'd better scarper before Mickey hears you, he's said he'd like to do more than have words with you if you know what I mean, I ain't never seen him so angry before, I'm surprised he hasn't caught up to you before this…" She seemed to realise he was staring at her, blankly, trying to process her words.

"Mickey's here?" His voice was low though not without an element of the dislike the Doctor had for that kid. Jackie just gave him a look which plainly said 'clear off' before shutting the door in his face.

He knew he'd deserved all of what he got, Jackie slapping him, Rose not talking to him, Mickey wanting to kill him and for a few minutes he felt almost defeated as if he'd now lost Rose forever, and that was if he hadn't done before; this included an increasing darkly jealous type of feeling directed at Mickey. But then, something seemed to surge through him energising his nerve endings and leaving him feeling renewed. He needed to find a way, no, he would find a way to correct all this mess, and not by meddling in time, this time. This was the first time he'd felt an element of his old spirit come back. First he had to talk to her and go from there, a bit of a problem when she point blank refused but he would find a way. There was no way he was letting her go without a fight, he needed her, and something told him she needed him too, he only hoped that something was right.

**-0-0-**

Rose watched him from the window as he stalked off back towards the TARDIS, while her mum and Mickey chatted quietly and conspiratorially behind her.

"I can hear you, you know. Either shut up or go in the kitchen cos I don't wanna hear it." They turned towards her in surprise, mostly because she hadn't spoken two sentences strung together in a while, and also the strength of feeling behind her words had changed, it had conviction, a hint of her sense of humour and something more.

"My Doctor," She murmured softly as she saw him disappear inside his home. Finding something within herself that she'd assumed as lost, she repeated the words like a mantra, giving her hope and a calmness she hadn't possessed for a while.

"My Doctor," Somehow, she wasn't quite sure how, he would be her Doctor again.

**88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888**

**AN**:

Becsy Lexi: Ooooo (tries to calm Smego down) You see what happens when you don't review? She gets in such a state! I would like to thank the many great reviews we had, I know we're a bit cruel but that's the way it goes, it's just not a hugs and puppies type of story. LOL Thankyou to Smego, especially for pushing me to write, my brain needs the exercise and I love the challenge.

This chapter took a little longer than we thought, so sorry bout that! Seemed a little more difficult to produce this so I'm a bit more worried about it! Hopefully back on track now...oooo let's hope the Doctor and Rose are too! he he yep we're cruel and nasty but you wouldn't want us any other way would ya? lol On second thought don't answer that...see you soon!

Smego Baggins: And the hope seeps in ….. Well, see ya guys!

(Both bounce off to do another chapter)


	9. Chapter 9

**AN**: Well, it's updated, and it's a doozey people! Over 7,000 words. So please leave a review for the lovely Becsy Lexi for **_again_** writing this chapter, putting up with my whining and not killing me from my annoyance every night.

**Dedication**: For Maurine, the greatest neighbour that any person could ever wish for, you were always there for us, from the FANTASTIC biscuits to our last meeting only a few months ago, and that we only learnt of your passing 3 days ago, I'm sorry I never said goodbye … but we'll meet again, won't we?

20th March 1953 – March 9th 2005

Loved always.

Chapter 9

Rose had so many questions running around in her head they were dizzying. What had he been doing? Where had he been? Why did he go? And then, why was he back, was he back for…her? Her heart did a little flip and she smiled slightly, feeling more like herself than she had for a long time. She'd been so disconnected. This whole thing seemed to have shaken her awake. She was still furious with the Doctor, and wasn't ready to talk to him yet either, but she knew she wanted to and most importantly that she didn't want him to leave her; not ever.

He'd come to the door apparently, she hadn't heard him, she'd been talking to Mickey about something on telly; they weren't going out again, but it was good to have a mate around. Shirreen had been here too, though her mum was still not letting her have a night out. Rose had chuckled to herself, like Jackie would be able to stop her if she actually wanted to go.

Rose was generally so anxious that some things remained the same despite her apparent improvement; she didn't eat much, not feeling hungry, and found she was now sleeping less; her mind too active to shut down properly. No answers for the questions she posed over and over. She felt such contradicting emotions it was hard to know where to begin making sense of them. She was in turns incredibly angry and then hugely relieved because he might have pissed off (according to her mum literally which was another worrying matter on her mind), but he'd also come back, not without putting her through four terrible days she couldn't bear to think about but back he had come none the less.

At one point she wondered why he hadn't left her some kind of note, you know, something along the lines of… 'Am swanning off for a bit to wallow and get monumentally pissed off my head, don't worry, coming back…' It made her so mad, but then her anger was coupled with such relief that it softened and gave her enough perspective to know that there was some hope; he hadn't abandoned her like she had feared. She wanted to change things, make up with him for lack of a better term. Things couldn't go on like this, but she knew what she wanted now. The Doctor was what she couldn't live without; because all this was wrong, felt so wrong to her that she almost couldn't breathe.

She knew how they had got here, relived the pain of everything that had happened every second of every hour.

Dylan; who would never grow to smile at his parents, never say 'mama' or 'dada', never learn to walk or play, or run through the TARDIS corridors as she shifted allowing them to catch up to him a little quicker.

No…that beautiful image faded…

Their little boy; the pain of loosing him was numbing; would probably always be a partially open wound refusing to heal completely. And that was the way it was; because loosing him would never be alright and he would always remain a part of them.

She knew they had been wrong. The words they had said should never have been spoken but were made to be forced upon one another as their anguish took form and was unleashed as it became too much to hold inside. There had been no other way, no one else to rip apart. No one else truly understood this pain but them. Her mother and friends might be sympathetic and sad, terribly sad, but not one of them could know.

Everything that had happened since then had only made everything worse, the only positive thing now was that the Doctor's little disappearing act seemed to have woken her up in a way, where there had been shock and pain, there was still the pain, but at least now she knew what was needed, she knew she needed him. But that alone didn't make things right. And now she was actually 'awake' to what had happened, her thoughts continued to dwell on the devastation of it all, in specific, heart-braking minute detail.

And that's how it had come to this; lying awake in bed in the flat. Still feeling like she had been torn into pieces and still wasn't sure how she was going to pick them up. She had thought that after Dylan, it couldn't have got any worse. And then they had done this to each other. He had said those things to her.

Rose felt bereft. Felt her separation from the Doctor as something more than physical, wherever he was, probably the TARDIS, not more than 500 yards from the flats entrance, he could not have been more far away. The things he'd said; she'd said; a thousand hopes and dreams shattered with a few words. Wishing to take them back the second they had been spat from her lips hadn't helped her.

He was the only one who could help; understand her now and she the same with him.

She had often wondered what it was like to be so madly out of control in love with someone. Now she knew, saw the power it held; and had her heart been broken by the same power, by him and by her own words as well.

Dylan, who would never laugh; he was not meant to be.

She wanted so desperately for them to have a different fate.

Rose knew she couldn't stay here, and wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. Her mind was too full. Sitting up she slipped on her trainers having not even bothered to get undressed, and made her way quietly out of the flat. Her mum's TV was on in her room, and she'd probably heard her leave; but Rose couldn't stay. Had to move, had to walk, for the sake of doing something.

It was hopeless really though, she thought as she walked past the TARDIS on the corner, pausing briefly to run her hand across the wooden blue exterior. The door un-clicked and opened slightly as her hand rested on it, but she pulled back; not able to bring herself to go in.

She turned back towards the flats, deciding to go somewhere high rather than the park she had thought about. It would only have made her feel worse; imagining Dylan on the swings, on the roundabout…playing tag with some other kids.

Feeling like she was on the edge of a very deep pit and like little was holding her back from it, she climbed the stairwell to the roof. She had no intention of jumping off it, just wanted to feel the cool air on her face, and look out on the top of London at night.

All she'd wanted was to be happy, to be with them both.

And now all she wanted was the Doctor was it too much to ask for?

She turned round on her rooftop position, and came to stop looking down at a certain blue box.

They needed each other, it wasn't going to be too late, they'd been through too much, something was gonna have to give, she didn't care if was her move. Somehow this would be righted.

Her breath caught as she thought she heard a small clicking sound and her heart started racing as she saw the distant door of the TARDIS open so far below her and the Doctor's familiar silhouette appearing from within. It was hard to tell how he looked from so far away, though his whole stance looked completely defeated even from her viewpoint; he turned and locked the door before walking in the other direction, the way Rose had been headed before she'd changed her mind.

She imagined she could hear her heart thumping rapidly and silently prayed that he would not leave her; it was the terrifying fear she had been harbouring for days, weeks really; that wasn't any wonder considering he really had left for those four days, which had so devastated her. She could not imagine life without him, the idea left her feeling so empty and desolate that she had been eating even less from the worry of it, and was fast becoming truly a shadow of her former self; but without him it didn't matter, even with her renewed resolve she was slipping. She knew her mum was still worrying like mad, and she'd tried to tell her not too but the words wouldn't come, because she couldn't lie to her this time.

**-0-0-**

The Doctor had walked a little distance now and she was about to lose sight of him, never before had she wanted to run to him, to tell him she was sorry, that she loved him more than he would ever know. Even loved him so much she would try to forget the tortuous last few months.

He was about to turn a corner and be lost to her, perhaps only for now, but he stopped just short of it. And was now standing still, not looking like he was doing anything except staring into space. What was he doing? Was he alright?

He turned then and suddenly looked upwards toward where she was looking down to him. It surprised her so much she took a tiny step backwards. He stood there for what seemed like forever, just looking upwards; she realised he must be able to see her and it only made her more anxious. After a time he began walking back the way he had come and she knew he was coming to her. There was no other explanation that currently made sense. All at once she wished she had done something with herself today, tonight, but she'd had no point to and hadn't cared until now; no matter, the feeling quickly faded when she was overcome with a desperate fear again, her worry about her appearance slipped from her conscious thought as her mind was taken over with a sickening anxiety. What was going to happen now?

**-0-0-**

The Doctor strode towards the block of flats, not really focusing on what he would say to Rose, he just knew he would talk to her. He felt like it was now or never, at least, that he had an opportunity to 'corner' her. He grimaced at this word, he didn't want to appear aggressive; he just desperately wanted them to start communicating again. It was going to be horribly difficult and strained but it had to be done. There was simply no living without her. Unfortunately he feared that Rose _would_ probably see this as being 'cornered' and be, understandably he supposed, uncooperative. In fact, he knew she had seen him coming this way, and she'd most likely guessed his intention to go up to her; she could run, though not go very far. At least on the roof there would be no avoiding him he thought grimly.

This made him quicken his pace, getting to the flats door, and gaining access using his sonic screwdriver he started bounding up the stairs three at a time, until another thought stopped him dead.

_What_ was he going to say?

He'd rehearsed so many things over the last few weeks, of what he might say to her as it had become so painfully obvious that he could not go on without her, but had disregarded each one with an increasing sense of fear. How was he going to tell her anything after what he had said and done to her? Once again a familiar veil of gloom settled over him and he just stood there, unable to move forwards, and unable to go back; stuck in a strange in between where his head and his heart, his fear and his longing did battle again.

**-0-0-**

It was bloody freezing on the roof in the middle of the night. That was what Rose had suddenly realised when it became obvious the Doctor wasn't going to appear up there. She'd seen him twenty minutes ago heading in this direction, and she'd been so sure that his looking up at her had meant he was coming. But it didn't take twenty minutes to get up those stairs and through that door, especially with the way the Doctor took stairs.

She had spent the time hovering between too many worries to count and simple relief that there was going to be a place to start, she'd so wanted to talk to him again, take his hand, hell even just be in his presence. But her trust in him had been severely damaged and this had continually held her back from going to him.

The Doctor was shaken out of his thoughts when something in his head just clicked; he would go and talk to Rose, because that is what was needed right now, he needed to go and see if there was any hope left, anything worth fighting for; he knew the answer already, he just hoped Rose saw it that way.

**-0-0-**

Rose had almost given up the Doctor for having changed his mind; or that he'd never been heading up to her in the first place when she heard the door to the roof creak a little. What the hell was she going to do now, the phrase, nowhere to run; nowhere to hide came to mind. But then she supposed it was probably better if it was the Doctor and not some psycho out for a midnight stroll.

She could hear him walking towards her and she continued to stare straight ahead, frantically trying to pull her thoughts together; which was difficult considering they were rapidly falling to pieces simply because she was near him for the first time in months.

The sound of footsteps stopped, yet it took another minute for Rose to turn around.

There was no noise.

When she finally looked at him she almost felt like she could have fallen into his arms and cried her heart out. She felt that long absent feeling that only he created in her heart, which was swiftly replaced with a stab of concern. He looked bloody awful. He looked to be having less sleep nowadays if his eyes and drawn face were any indication. And she could make out a faint line of cuts on his neck and yellowing skin on a cheek and his eye which had probably been one hell of a set of bruises.

She didn't know where to look; even in the state he was in she desperately looked him over, taking him all in, wanting to make up for all that time.

Make up.

Well, that was a point, they were meant to make up, right? She honestly didn't know.

Neither seemed able to speak, they stood there, staring at the other, no smiles, just staring, like they might never get the chance again.

There was a gulf between them now, it spanned 92 days from the fight, it extended between their son dying and this moment, and the Doctor, being melodramatic and feeling sorry for himself, almost felt like it crossed between the strands of time itself.

And then there was the chasm he'd created to add to all of that, when he'd buggered off across half the galaxy, leaving Rose alone, thinking he'd left her. It had been 13 days since. He winced visibly as he thought of it, how could he make amends when it was so obvious things were beyond repair.

This little piece of depressing contemplation made him want to run and hide, it seemed too hard. He looked sideways, not able to maintain eye contact with Rose, he shuffled his feet too; Rose.

His Rose; being so near her after so long meant everything and then nothing, because it would only mean something if it meant something to her. What was anything, without her?

He was worried about her; she looked as though she'd stopped eating, and like that wasn't bad enough, it obviously wasn't the only thing she'd stopped caring about. She basically appeared as if she'd stopped caring what she looked like. Both major concerns for him, in fact, the more he thought about it, the more alarmed he became. Rose looked like she'd given up.

He knew he didn't look much better, but things are so much easier to spot and be worried over in someone else than they are in yourself, especially if you are him and the only person who had bothered was Rose; _was_ being the operative word.

He sighed and turned slightly, looking out across the night lights of London. But Rose misinterpreted it as leaving.

"Don't go." She said quietly, her voice cracked and sounded shaky, he turned back to her wishing he could step forward and wipe away the tear that was running down her face.

"Oh Rose," The Doctor thought aloud, this couldn't be impossible, yet he saw the hurt and pain she felt, and he was reeling. He'd known she was in pain, but seeing it was a different matter and he felt suddenly more desperate.

"I'm not going anywhere Rose." She looked up at that,

"You're not?" Her voice still sounded slightly hoarse, as though from little use. That wasn't like her either.

"No, I'm staying." He felt like he could punch the air when he saw the tiny expression that Rose wore for a few seconds, a small smile, unless he'd imagined it. Then he tried to tell his stupid over analytical subconscious to clear off, it wasn't helping.

Rose felt something lift from her, feeling the relief his slight reassurance had made. They stood silent again for a minute or so, trying to get comfortable in the others presence again. It would be a while before that happened.

"I…" She began to say but stalled at the look in his eyes, was that… well it looked like longing and her heart both soared and ached at the sight.

"I'm not sure where to start." This time he spoke, sounding like a lost little boy, that look made her want to take him in her arms, forgive him everything that had happened, be forgiven and never look back. But all she did was smile a little, not quite able to translate those particular thoughts into actions.

"Me neither…" His face fell, highlighting the slightly purple contours of his cheek, "But… I…" She stalled again but was spurred on by an increasing tingle in her stomach, the feeling she had when she was with the Doctor, something she hadn't felt for a long time, not since Dylan's birth. "I missed you."

The Doctor couldn't help but produce a faint grin, nothing like the megawatt smiles of old, but a flicker of that, it didn't quite meet his eyes though. He took a breath, feelings and emotions were never his strong point, and certainly not when they were under discussion, but he needed to face them, if there was to be a way of getting Rose back he needed to be above all open with her.

"I missed you too, more than you will ever know."

"You did." She didn't make it sound like a question, but there was enough of one in her expression for him to want to confirm it.

"Yes."

She was surprised, but he obviously meant it, she knew it was hard for him to voice what he was feeling and felt buoyed by the fact that he was making the effort, and that he felt this was _worth_ making the effort. What exactly he thought was worth the effort she didn't know, was it her, was it simply the need to appease a guilty conscience, Rose couldn't help thinking that she was the reason why here.

They both sighed heavily, caught the others look, smiled realising they were mirror images of tension and laughed out loud in a nervous self-conscious kind of way. They stood another half a minute again, nothing said. The awkwardness in the air felt wrong, a tangible element of their separation.

"I..." The Doctor started saying, Rose furrowed her brows in silent question. He looked nervous and edgy again. "I'm sorry Rose, I'm so sorry." He sighed, feeling so very tired but fractionally better for having said it. Her expression was unreadable; worrying aspect number one. Her eyes looked coldly over to him, not a good sign.

"…for what?" Rose's question sliced through the air like a blade, her words tinged with an ice that went to break him. She wasn't asking what he'd done that he was sorry for; they both knew how much he had to be sorry about, she wanted to hear him say it; and mean it.

"…for everything." He replied, in one of the most serious tones he could muster. She was making this harder, he had even expected that, but it still hurt; he knew he deserved it and determined to do what had to be done.

"You're sorry?" She asked quietly, not able to rein in the contempt in her voice; she hadn't meant to be like this. He would think she was being awkward but hearing those words, however much he meant them, did something to her. It seemed such a ridiculously inadequate word for all the pain he'd caused.

He almost flinched at her words and the obvious effect they had had on her.

She laughed, actually laughed; though it sounded humourless and hollow to him, the sound alone broke his heart again, or would have done, had that been possible.

She shook her head, a grim smile gracing her once happy features. But that was a long time ago, and the smile like the laugh that had preceded it did not reach her eyes; an obvious mockery of what once was, and how she regarded him in this moment. Something made more obvious when she spoke.

"You're sorry? Sorry? What exactly does that mean Doctor?" Her words and tone tore at him, he did know he deserved this, he just wasn't sure he could take it long enough to attempt some semblance of an apology, explanation, even at this point he didn't know what exactly.

"Sorry, sorry for ignoring me? Sorry for shutting me out? Sorry for telling me that I was to blame for our sons' death or for breaking my heart? Or maybe you're sorry for going off and leaving me alone here. Go ahead Doctor, tell me you're sorry." She shook her head again, but it didn't help halt the tears, or hide her distress. "I thought I could handle this, but, seeing you, it just…"

The Doctor cringed inwardly at such a stark reminder and wasn't sure what to do; a familiar experience recently. The situation suddenly appeared to have gone from holding some small hope, to having slim to none, and that seemed optimistic. He sighed, almost defeated again, but still not sure what action to take.

"Rose." She looked back at him again, such a direct piercing gaze, almost like she'd been so caught up in her thoughts she had forgotten he was there. It seemed a little strange and illogical, but then he considered none of what had happened was normal or reasonable.

"Yeah…?"

"What are we doing?"

She looked utterly lost. "I don't know."

"But you don't want me to go?" She really looked at him at that moment, strangely seeing him clearly again now.

The Doctor's heart lifted a little at the sign of a real and somewhat recognizable ghost of a smile on Rose's face.

"No, don't go, don't leave me." She said as her quiet voice cracked slightly in unbidden sadness.

"I wouldn't leave you Rose, you know that…"

"Yeah," she interrupted harshly, "…like how you didn't leave me for four days, me thinking you'd gone for good, just abandoned me, you've no idea…" She trailed off, trying not to relive the memory of the event. It was still too painful.

"I've a fair idea Rose, it wasn't exactly a fun time for me, I wasn't off enjoying myself, and I am so sorry for it, I wasn't exactly, in my right mind."

Her face softened slightly in an automatic concern, and her worry of what he'd been doing to himself, replaced her self-involved reflection and then smiled a slightly cheeky smile as she felt something else that'd been automatic once seem to come back into her. And just felt the easiness of it, the way it moved about her.

"You have a right mind?" He grinned a little in return, sensing the well-known repartee that used to exist between them.

"Oi!"

She closed her eyes, sighing briefly before opening them again. She wanted that easiness back, the echoes were still there, but she wanted the real thing.

Rose knew she wasn't making much sense; she was here one minute and over there the next. The truth was she was feeling very conflicted. Here was the man who had broken her heart, there was no getting away from that, he'd put her through a personal hell, yet he was the Doctor, the only man she'd ever truly loved, and continued to love despite everything that had passed between them. She still loved him, it was simple, or could be, she didn't want there to be another option.

The Doctor sensed this conflict and understood.

"It's difficult yes?"

"Yeah, I'm feeling, I dunno, is hard to describe."

"I know."

"Do you?" But she regretted these words when she really looked him over in the following seconds; everything from the shadows under his eyes, the way his jacket looked more overlarge than usual, the faint bruises she could just make out in the scarce night time light. "I guess so." She concluded quietly.

He didn't need to nod and confirm this; he breathed the cold air in deeply, wishing he could just hold her, he would do anything to set things right but right now all he needed was Rose in his arms; if only for a minute.

"I wish…" She started, looking skyward, like she was imagining she could see the stars, closing her eyes then opening them, hesitating as she sought the right words, oh to hell with it.

"Why does it have to be this hard? I just want it all to be better again, how it was before, only I know we can't go back. I want to move forward, move on, we can't stay this way; I can't do it." She looked back at him again then.

"You can't want it either, both of us are fucking miserable, you look like hell," she gestured a bit madly with her hands, towards him and then herself, "I know I look like shit, I just haven't cared about it, or anything, but I want to. And I want us…" Here she seemed to stumble, and did not go on straightaway.

"You want us..?" He tried to prompt her, almost willing her to say what he was most desperate to hear. His expression must have given him away; months of constant depression seemed to have exhausted his ability to effectively construct the mask that he used to keep his true feelings hidden. She smiled gently, coming to a decision, looking him directly in his eyes.

"That's all." She stated softly, his eyes widened imperceptibly, urging her to give him the affirmation that he sought. "I just want _us_." She said, her voice shaking with emotion as she put her emphasis on the last word, eyes now shiny and bright again. She hated being in such a mess, thinking it made her seem weak. But then she reasoned that anyone in her place who didn't feel completely overwhelmed would also be a complete weirdo.

He seemed almost frozen to the spot, staring at Rose with such intensity that her heart immediately started thumping in her throat at twice the rate.

"You want _us_?" He spoke; hesitating in the exact way she had, and inflecting emphasis on 'us'.

"Yes." She replied softly, smiling slightly feeling a light shiver run through her at the fleeting idea of what 'us' meant.

It was all the incentive he needed, taking the several feet that lay between them in a few strides, he deftly wrapped himself around her small frame in one swift movement; letting out a breath when he felt Rose return his embrace after a slight hesitation. Savouring how amazing it was to just hold her again, he knew it didn't solve their problems, but right now, it was simply remarkable enough to just be what it was.

His eyes widened as he felt Rose's arms tighten her hold around him, burying her head in his chest.

She had almost been shocked when he had stridden towards her so suddenly and enveloped her in his arms. Rose had been surprised enough though and it had taken her a moment to react, but it didn't need any great decision, this was where she belonged. Her arms holding on and then tighter when she remembered how it felt to be so close to him. It was a beautiful rhythm, two hearts sounding into her ear. She tried to block out everything else, all the issues they had, and tried not to worry on how much less of him there was to embrace.

The Doctor was in a relative heaven compared to the past few months. But when he heard and felt Rose quietly sobbing into him his own emotion similarly overcame him and a few involuntary tears slipped down his cheeks.

"Oh Rose." He said quietly into her hair. The clung to each other for a long time, like they were the only two people left in the universe. They desperately held on to the other as if in fear that this would end too soon, or that the other would disappear.

The Doctor knew this couldn't last forever, but when Rose started to pull away slightly and their eyes locked once again he couldn't stop himself from leaning in, both moving as if time as slowed for them. Their lips meeting gently, a soft brushing as they moved together, tentative touches, light, caresses, gentle, hesitant and cautious and, magic.

He didn't want to be parted from her blessed skin, but knowing that it couldn't last didn't make it any less crushing when he felt her pull back. He sighed, this time almost happy as their foreheads rested together. His mind was awash with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings just whizzing round his head with no real logic or reason going on. It was quite hard to process anything at that moment in such close proximity to her. But there was enough clarity to recognise Rose's next words.

They stood there together, forehead on forehead, simply breathing in the others presence, for minutes, longer maybe. It was hard to tell exactly, even for him. Eventually Rose said what she was both reluctant and determined to say. Her mind slightly overwhelmed at the recent and startling assault on her senses.

It was indescribably amazing to feel, and feel so much. It was so easy to fall into each other, but this wasn't the end, even as she wanted it to be healed with this simple kiss it couldn't be. Too much had happened and she suspected the rest that was to come wouldn't be anywhere near as easy. She gathered herself and took a deep breath, knowing he had tensed slightly and obviously sensed something was coming.

"We will have to talk." She put it plainly, for the statement it was. He sighed.

"I know." He said, resigned though he didn't sound annoyed, it was just an accepted fact, hanging in the air, an invisible but perceptible feeling marking the continued gulf between them.

It was difficult to summon the energy, or courage, to move from their present state in time. Moving would disturb the fragile newness that existed in this moment. They parted slowly, reluctantly, not quite able to look away from the other.

They stood apart, but closer this time, the Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets, nervous, as Rose went back to her mind full of worries.

She was the first to speak; something had to fill the nervous atmosphere between them.

"So…" Was all she could manage, she just let it hang in the air, not knowing what to say once again. She smiled a little as his trademark grin appeared, still slightly less brilliant than it had once been but it was still him.

"So…" He imitated also not sure what he was meant to do now, so he coughed, and looked uncomfortable. "We have to talk then?"

"Yeah, but, soon, maybe tomorrow, we'll see yeah?" He nodded opening his arms to her again, in silent request, understanding the unspoken peace that had been offered. There wasn't any need to push things. And since he suspected that talking things through was not going to be fun, he almost had no wish to end this liaison on the rooftop. Rose snuggled into his arms, both of them learning how to relax with each other again. It was a kind of healing just by itself. They stepped apart once more, a strange awkwardness in the air again. Rose couldn't quite meet his eyes.

She shivered, once again aware of the temperature and her poor state of dress for night time in the winter. The Doctor noticed this and shrugged off his jacket handing it to her. She smiled as she slipped it over her shoulders; it hung off her far too much for his liking but he managed to bite his tongue. Deciding that she wasn't comfortable enough with him yet for a personal comment like that. Then again they'd almost been snogging a minute ago so maybe it wasn't without reason to take the liberty and say something about the worrying amount of weight she'd lost. Deciding against it once again he wasn't quite sure what to say, so that's what he said.

"I'm not sure what, well; I do know what to say, just…" She looked at him expectantly. "Don't laugh." She made an expression of confusion then understanding and made a silent 'O'.

"I won't, I'm not sure why I did." She said almost sounding apologetic.

"Yes you do."

"Well okay, yeah I do, I just, when you said it, it just seemed so, inadequate and everything is still so…" She struggled to find the word to complete her train of thought.

"Raw?"

"Yeah." He looked into her eyes then, almost like he saw beyond them into her soul.

"I'm sorry." He said before looking away,

"So am I." Hearing this, his head shot back up to look at her, taken aback, but then he smiled, her face was open, truthful, like she meant it; it wasn't an empty phrase. This might actually work if they were both equal in this; equally wanting it and equally communicating.

A minute more went by, in slightly eased silence.

"So," she started, deciding to go for a less painful topic of conversation.

"Where did you get the bruises?" He looked mildly amused, quite chuffed that she had noticed the embarrassing marks, but discussing that was not a conversation he wanted to have at that present minute.

"Are you eating anything at the moment?" Her expression went from slightly peeved to giving him a withering glare.

"Been in a fight?" He smirked; it looked like she wasn't going to let it go.

"Going to answer my question?" He shot back.

"I asked first."

Another second went by.

"Fair enough, yeah I was in a fight." He had the grace to look a bit ashamed. She frowned; fighting was fairly out of character for him.

"Were you drunk?" She asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes."

She nodded, not really needing to know the details right now, but she would be finding out. If he had been feeling as bad as she had, and let's face it he had looked like it, then drinking wasn't wholly surprising. It was one of those places she could have gone to too, but while his grief had obviously taken on an active type of symptom, actively drinking, hers had gone the other way and she'd done nothing, she'd stopped caring.

"Right and you then..?" He asked, leaving her to work out what he meant.

"Hmm…?" She replied, feigning puzzlement.

"Rose, you aren't eating." She shrugged a little.

"I'm fine." He gave her a look that clearly said 'I don't believe you, give me some credit.'

She glared back with a 'Got a problem?' type look and he resolved to let her have her way and leave it for now. He would make sure they discussed it when they 'talked', adding it to the list of things he did not want to talk about but knew they had to. He dearly hoped that this possible chance for them would be enough to nudge her into a pattern of living that wasn't quite so self-destructive.

Rose had to admit to feeling better. There was a little less worry to bear and having him back in her life was enough.

She must have shifted a little stiffly because he too realised the time and freezing air and that it was probably a good idea to get off the roof before pneumonia became an additional problem.

"Time to go perhaps..?" She nodded, still shivering despite the jacket draped around her.

"Would you, walk me down?" He nodded realising she meant walking her down to the flat, which was to be expected. He couldn't expect her to want to go back to the TARDIS with him, not this soon; though he still desperately wanted her too. He held out his hand, she stared at it, a mixture of surprise and happiness bubbling up in place of the unease of before. She grasped it and their fingers locked, both sets of eyes on them, enjoying the feeling, marvelling at the action; symbolic of them coming together, connected. He gave her hand a squeeze and a smile, basking in the moment as she was.

He walked her home, a walk such as it was, no talking, it was enough to be there, side by side, fingers locked together as they made their way.

He stopped himself asking her to come home to the TARDIS, it was too soon, but when she made a move to take off his jacket he objected.

"No," she looked confused for a second before he carried on, "give it to me tomorrow, okay?"

She smiled. "Okay."

She agreed, appearing to understand his need to continue this truce between them which was somewhat represented by the jacket. He was also determined for there to be evidence of tonight, otherwise it would be too easy to pretend this hadn't happened and they could slip back to their respective misery again. He worried it would be too easy to do.

But, he didn't ask her to come home, to ease the lonely empty feeling that pervaded throughout the TARDIS. He wanted her close, under the same 'roof', that was why when it came to saying goodbye, he had some reluctance.

They stood across the threshold, just being still, their hands still holding tightly; a link bridging the gap between them, they both watched this connection, not quite able to let go.

"Night then." She said quietly, reluctant.

"Night…" He echoed, as unenthusiastic as her.

"Okay,"

"Okay,"

"You know, at some point one of us has to let go." Rose stated, still not doing so and unable to encourage him to let go either.

"I don't want to." He replied truthfully.

She gripped his hand more in response, "I'm not going to disappear." She said almost whispering it. He smiled but it didn't disguise the real fear that lay behind it.

"Yeah." He accepted, not sounding at all convincing.

"Well," She started saying, he looked unnerved before she continued, "Just as long as you promise not to as well." She looked up at him in earnest, and he felt relieved, then looked around, thinking.

"You could, um, sleep on the sofa." She bit her lip, a little nervous and not at all sure she'd done the right thing, but she wanted to keep feeling this closeness and he seemed as reluctant to leave as she was to let him go. He grinned, bright but not a daft smile, a happy one.

She gave him some pillows and a duvet before turning to go to her room, she turned back.

"Night." She said, leaning forward to kiss his cheek, impulse taking over. He smiled, as they're faces hovered close and wasn't able to stop himself before he was pressing his lips on hers. Soft, and nervous but purposeful, it didn't last long, but long enough for Rose to have closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment, in some ways more than she wanted to.

"Night." He murmured as she slipped away down the short hall.

The Doctor didn't get much sleep, but it was more than the usual, even with their midnight meeting on the roof. His mind was a whir with a thousand different things, and the restlessness took over; which was how he found himself sitting outside the door to Rose's room. There was no way he was going in, or even peeking, as much as he would love to watch her sleep he realised that it was too much of an invasion. But he wanted to stay there, leaning his head against the door, content for now to simply listen to her breathe. It was like a piece of heaven alone in that moment, listening to a music that she created in him. This was enough for right now, he was here, they were talking again, and he was so close to her he could hear slight snoring, though that could have been Jackie asleep across the hall; which was a fairly disturbing thought.

When he eventually dragged himself back to the sofa for the remainder of the early morning, he mused that he'd never been so glad in his life to be doing domestic, and well, you couldn't get much more domestic than sleeping on a sofa while trying to patch things up with a girl, then he chuckled slightly when he realised Jackie was going to get one hell of a shock when she awoke.

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**AN**: Well you fellow people _almost_ didn't get this chapter. **people** **gasp** The ENTIRE phone lines in our street decide to quite their jobs and blink out of existence, but thanks to a certain pushy teenager who has a 'priority first' on her line in case of a medical emergency, it was fixed by 4:30pm. grins I knew I was special.

Anyway, am off to write the next chapter, and will leave you folks to the lovely Becsy Lexi.

Once again, thank you for all the reviews they really do make my day and I'm sure they make Smeggy's too!gives out choccies cos I'm just that nice ;)

I'm not actually very confident about this chapter, having done loads of revisions of it I've got gradually more worried with each one so please let us know what you think! Will love you forever! It was well overdue for updating so sorry it took us a while, I've been away (to sunny old Wales lol) and without my laptop so I was totally adrift! He, he. So there was much typing up and re-writing on my return! Anyway, back to the chapter, oh yes, I hope it communicates how difficult and awkward all this is for the Doctor and Rose, they've been through so much and we didn't want them to fall straight back into each other, we didn't want them to forgive each other too easily. I tried to put myself in that uncomfortable atmosphere and this was where it took me. So let us know if it works? Probably be more of the same awkwardness in the next chapter, and some difficult conversations to be had, but try not to worry, we're on the home stretch now my friends…well maybe. (I know we're cruel ha ha!)

Thanks again my pretties, be seeing you ;)

**both bounce off into the next chapter**


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